Ua ʻike paha ʻoe ua ʻōwili pinepine ʻoe i kou mau maka a hoʻomāʻewaʻewa loa i ke kamaʻilio ʻana me kahi hoa? ʻAʻole kēia mau hōʻailona o ka hoʻowahāwahā ʻia. ʻO ka hōʻike ʻana i ka mahalo ʻole i ka hoa pili ka hōʻailona koʻikoʻi o ka hemo ʻana.
ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o kā mākou mau hana i kekahi manawa ma mua o nā huaʻōlelo a kumakaia i ka ʻano ʻoiaʻiʻo i ke kanaka e kūʻē i ko mākou makemake. No nā makahiki he 40 i kēia manawa, ua aʻo ʻia ka pilina o nā hoa pili ʻo John Gottman, ke kaukaʻi o ka psychology ma ke Kulanui o Wakinekona (Seattle), a me kāna mau hoa hana. Ma ke ʻano o ke kamaʻilio ʻana o nā kāne me kekahi, ua aʻo ka poʻe ʻepekema e wānana i ka lōʻihi o ko lākou hui ʻana. E pili ana i nā hōʻailona nui ʻehā o kahi male male e hiki mai ana, a John Gottman i kapa ʻia ʻo "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", ua haʻi mākou ma aneʻi.
ʻO kēia mau hōʻailona e pili ana i ka hoʻohewa mau, ka haʻalele ʻana mai kahi hoa, a me ka pale ikaika loa, akā ʻaʻole lākou e like me ka pōʻino e like me nā hōʻike o ka mālama ʻole ʻana, ʻo kēlā mau hōʻailona waha ʻole e hoʻomaopopo i ka manaʻo o kekahi o nā hoa i kekahi ma lalo ona. ʻO ka hoʻomāʻewaʻewa, ka ʻōlelo hoʻohiki ʻana, ka ʻōwili ʻana i nā maka, ka hoʻohenehene ʻino… ʻo ia hoʻi, nā mea a pau e pā ai i ka manaʻo ponoʻī o ka hoa. Wahi a John Gottman, ʻo kēia ka pilikia koʻikoʻi o nā mea ʻehā.
Pehea e aʻo ai e mālama i ka mālama ʻole a pale i ka hemo? ʻEhiku mau manaʻo mai kā mākou poʻe loea.
1. E hoʻomaopopo i ka hōʻike ʻana o ka ʻike
"ʻAʻole ka pilikia ka mea āu e ʻōlelo ai, akā pehea ʻoe e hana ai. ʻIke kou hoa i kou hoʻowahāwahā ʻana ma ke ʻano o kou ʻakaʻaka, ʻōlelo hoʻohiki, hoʻomāʻewaʻewa, ʻōwili i kou mau maka a kanikau nui. ʻO ia ʻano hana ʻawaʻawa i ka pilina, hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ka hilinaʻi i kekahi i kekahi, a alakaʻi i ka male ʻana i ka make mālie. E lohe ʻia kāu pahuhopu, ʻeā? No laila pono ʻoe e hoʻopuka i kāu leka ma ke ʻano e lohe ʻia a ʻaʻole e hoʻonui i ka hakakā. " - ʻO Christine Wilke, ka mea lapaʻau ʻohana ma Easton, Pennsylvania.
2. Wehe i ka huaʻōlelo "ʻAʻole wau mālama!" mai kāu huaʻōlelo
Ma ka ʻōlelo ʻana i kēlā mau ʻōlelo, ke haʻi maoli nei ʻoe i kāu hoa ʻaʻole ʻoe e hoʻolohe iā ia. Hoʻomaopopo ʻo ia ʻaʻole pili iā ʻoe nā mea a pau āna e kamaʻilio ai. ʻOiaʻiʻo, ʻo ia ka mea hope a mākou e makemake ai e lohe mai kahi hoa, ʻaʻole anei? ʻO ka hōʻike ʻana i ka manaʻo ʻole (ʻoiai ʻaʻole pololei, ke ʻike ʻia ka hoʻowahāwahā wale ʻia ma nā hiʻohiʻona a me nā ʻano hana) e hoʻopau koke i ka pilina. - ʻO Aaron Anderson, ka mea lapaʻau ʻohana ma Denver, Colorado.
3. E pale i ka hoʻomāʻewaʻewa a me nā ʻakaʻaka ʻino
"E pale i ka hoʻohenehene a me nā ʻōlelo ma ka ʻuhane o" pehea wau e hoʻomaopopo ai iā ʻoe! a i ʻole, "ʻo, he ʻakaʻaka loa kēlā," wahi a me ka leo hoʻomākeʻaka. E hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ka hoa a me nā ʻakaʻaka ʻino e pili ana iā ia, e pili ana i kāna kāne ("E ʻōlelo wau he kāne ʻoe"). – ʻO LeMel Firestone-Palerm, ʻOhana ʻohana.
Ke ʻōlelo ʻoe he hoʻonui a hoʻomāhuahua paha kāu hoa, ʻo ia ke ʻano he mea nui ʻole ko lākou mau manaʻo iā ʻoe.
4. Mai noho i ka wā kahiko
"Hoʻomaka ka hapa nui o nā kāne e hōʻike i ka mahalo ʻole kekahi i kekahi ke hōʻiliʻili lākou i nā koi liʻiliʻi e kūʻē i kekahi i kekahi. I mea e pale ai i ka mālama ʻole ʻana, pono ʻoe e noho i kēia manawa i nā manawa a pau a kaʻana koke i kou mau manaʻo me kāu hoa. ʻAʻole ʻoluʻolu ʻoe i kekahi mea? E haʻi pololei. Akā, e hoʻomaopopo pū i ka pono o nā ʻōlelo a ka hoa pili iā ʻoe - a laila ma ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa aʻe ʻaʻole paha ʻoe e maopopo loa he pololei ʻoe. – Judith lāua ʻo Bob Wright, nā mea kākau o The Heart of the Fight: A Couple's Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Real Mean, and How They Can Bring You Together Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer, Nā Hoʻolaha Harbinger Hou, 2016).
5. E nānā i kāu hana
"Ua ʻike ʻoe i ka nalu pinepine a i ʻole ʻoe e ʻakaʻaka i ka wā e hoʻolohe ana i kāu hoa, he hōʻailona kēia he pilikia i ka pilina. E ʻimi i kahi manawa e hoʻomaha ai kekahi i kekahi, ʻoiai inā e wela ana ke kūlana, a i ʻole e hoʻāʻo e kālele i nā mea maikaʻi o kou ola, i kāu mea makemake nui i kahi hoa. —Chelli Pumphrey, ʻōlelo aʻoaʻo psychologist ma Denver, Colorado.
6. Mai haʻi aku i kāu hoa: "Ke hoʻonui nei ʻoe."
"Ke ʻōlelo ʻoe he mea hoʻonui a hoʻomāhuahua paha kāu mea aloha, ʻo ia ke ʻano he mea nui ʻole ko lākou mau manaʻo iā ʻoe. Ma mua o ka hooki ʻana iā ia me ka huaʻōlelo "e lawe nui ʻoe i ka puʻuwai", e hoʻolohe i kona manaʻo. E ho'āʻo e hoʻomaopopo i nā kumu o kēlā ʻano hopena koʻikoʻi, no ka mea, ʻaʻole kū mai nā manaʻo e like me ia. — Aarona Anderson.
7. Ua loaʻa anei ʻoe iā ʻoe iho i ka mahalo ʻole? E hoʻomaha a hanu hohonu
"E hoʻonoho iā ʻoe iho i ka hana o ka ʻike ʻana i ke ʻano o ka hoʻowahāwahā, he aha ia. A laila e noʻonoʻo pehea e hōʻike ai iā ia iho i kāu pilina. Ke manaʻo ʻoe e hana a ʻōlelo paha i kahi mea hoʻohaʻahaʻa, e hanu hohonu a ʻōlelo mālie iā ʻoe iho, "Stop." A i ʻole e ʻimi i kahi ala ʻē aʻe e kū ai. ʻO ka hōʻike ʻana i ka mahalo ʻole he maʻamau maikaʻi ʻole, e like me ka puhi ʻana a i ʻole ke nahu ʻana i kou mau kui. E hoʻoikaika a hiki iā ʻoe ke lanakila." - ʻO Bonnie Ray Kennan, psychotherapist ma Torrance, Kaleponi.