No ka mālamaʻana i kahi pilina, ponoʻoe e hoʻololi i keʻano o ke kamaʻilio.

Ua hoʻololi koʻikoʻi ka lāhui i nā makahiki i hala iho nei. Aia kahi pilikia o ka hoʻokumu ʻana o ka male: e pili ana i kēlā me kēia lua o ka hui ʻana, ʻoi aku ka nui o ka poʻe i hana ʻole i nā ʻohana. Hoʻoikaika kēia iā mākou e noʻonoʻo hou i ko mākou ʻike i ke ʻano o ke "ola male maikaʻi". Ma mua, i ka wā i hoʻokumu ʻia ai ka male ʻana, ua maopopo ka pono o ke kāne e hoʻokō i kāna mau ʻoihana, a ʻo ka wahine ʻo kāna, a ua lawa kēia no ka hoʻomau ʻana o ka male.

I kēia lā, hui pū ʻia nā kuleana āpau, a ʻo ka mea nui loa, he nui nā manaʻolana a me nā koi kiʻekiʻe e pili ana i ke ʻano o ka manaʻo o ke ola pū. No ka laʻana, ka manaʻolana i ka male ʻana e hauʻoli mākou i kēlā me kēia minuke. A inā ʻaʻole i laila kēia manaʻo, a laila hewa a maikaʻi ʻole ka pilina. Manaʻo mākou e lilo kā mākou hoa i mea āpau no mākou: he hoaaloha, he mea aloha, he makua, he psychotherapist, he hoa ʻoihana… Ma kahi huaʻōlelo, e hana ʻo ia i nā hana pono āpau.

I ka mare ʻana o kēia wā, ʻaʻohe kānāwai i ʻae ʻia no ka noho maikaʻi ʻana me kekahi. Hoʻokumu ʻia ma luna o nā manaʻo, nā pilina, kekahi mau manaʻo. A no kona lilo ʻana i mea palupalu loa, ua maʻalahi ka hemo.

Pehea ka hana o ke kamaʻilio?

ʻO ka pilina ke kumu nui o nā pilikia ʻohana. A ʻo ka pilina ka hopena o ka hana a ke kanaka, ke ʻano o kā lākou kamaʻilio ʻana.

ʻAʻole ia he hewa kekahi o nā hoa. Ua lawa mākou a pau e noho pū me ka maʻamau. Loaʻa i kēlā me kēia kanaka nā mea hana e kūkulu ai i ka ʻōnaehana maikaʻi loa o ka pilina ma ka ʻohana. Hiki i nā maʻi ke pili, kamaʻilio, no laila pono e hoʻololi. Hoʻokomo mau mākou i ke kamaʻilio. Hana ʻia ia ma nā pae waha a me ka ʻole.

Hoʻomaopopo mākou a pau i ka ʻike waha ma ke ʻano like, akā ʻokoʻa loa nā subtexts.

I loko o kahi ʻohana hana ʻino, i ka wā pilikia o ka male, ʻoi aku ka nui o ka subtext ma mua o ka kikokikona. ʻAʻole maopopo paha i nā hoa kāne "ka mea a lākou e hakakā nei." Akā, hoʻomanaʻo maikaʻi nā mea a pau i kekahi o kā lākou ʻōhumu. A no lākou, ʻo ka mea nui, ʻaʻole ia ke kumu o ka hakakā, akā ʻo nā subtexts - ka mea i hele mai i ka wā, nāna i paʻi i ka puka, nāna i nānā me ke ʻano o ka helehelena, ka mea i ʻōlelo i ke kani. I kēlā me kēia hoʻololi kamaʻilio ʻana, ʻelima a ʻeono mau papa i ʻike ʻole ʻia e nā hoa.

E noʻonoʻo i ke kāne a me ka wahine, he keiki kā lāua a he ʻoihana maʻamau. Hoʻopaʻapaʻa pinepine lākou a hiki ʻole ke hoʻokaʻawale i ka pilina ʻohana mai ka pilina hana. E ʻōlelo kākou e hele ana ke kāne me kahi kaʻa kaʻa, a i kēlā manawa kāhea ka wahine a noi mai e pane i nā kelepona ʻoihana, no ka mea, pono ʻo ia e holo ma ka ʻoihana. A hele ʻo ia me kahi keiki, ʻaʻole ʻoluʻolu. He hakaka nui ko lakou.

He aha ka mea i kumu maoli ai ka paio?

No ia, ua hoʻomaka ka hanana i ka manawa i kāhea aku ai kāna wahine. A nona, ua hoʻomaka ka hanana ma mua, he mau mahina i hala aku nei, i ka wā i hoʻomaka ai ʻo ia e hoʻomaopopo aia ka ʻoihana holoʻokoʻa iā ia, aia ke keiki ma luna ona, a ʻaʻole hōʻike kāna kāne i ka manaʻo, ʻaʻole hiki iā ia ke hana i kekahi mea iā ia iho. Hōʻiliʻili ʻo ia i kēia mau manaʻo maikaʻi ʻole iā ia iho no ʻeono mahina. Akā ʻaʻole ʻo ia i ʻike i kāna mau manaʻo. Aia lākou i loko o kahi kahua kamaʻilio like ʻole. A hana lākou i kahi kūkākūkā me he mea lā aia lākou i ka manawa like.

Ma ka koi ʻana i kāna kāne e pane i nā kelepona ʻoihana, hoʻouna ka wahine i kahi leka waha ʻole: "Ke ʻike nei wau iaʻu iho ʻo kou haku." ʻIke maoli ʻo ia iā ia iho pēlā i kēia manawa, e kiʻi ana i ka ʻike o nā mahina ʻeono i hala. A ʻo ke kāne, kūʻē iā ia, ʻōlelo ʻo ia: "ʻAʻole, ʻaʻole ʻoe ʻo koʻu haku." He hōʻole ia i kona manaʻo paʻa ponoʻī. Loaʻa ka wahine i nā ʻike maikaʻi ʻole, akā ʻaʻole hiki iā ia ke hoʻomaopopo. ʻO ka hopena, nalowale ka ʻike o ka hakakā, e waiho wale ana i nā manaʻo olohelohe e puka mai ana i kā lākou kamaʻilio hou ʻana.

Kākau hou i ka mōʻaukala

ʻO ke kamaʻilio a me ka ʻano he mau mea like loa. ʻO nā mea a pau āu e hana ai, ke hoʻouna nei ʻoe i kahi leka i kāu hoa, inā makemake ʻoe a ʻaʻole paha. A heluhelu ʻo ia i kekahi mea. ʻAʻole ʻoe i ʻike pehea e heluhelu ʻia ai a pehea e pili ai i ka pilina.

Hoʻopili ka ʻōnaehana kamaʻilio o kahi kāne i nā hiʻohiʻona o kēlā me kēia kanaka, ko lākou mau manaʻo a me nā manaʻo.

Hele mai kahi kanaka ʻōpio me ka hoʻopiʻi e pili ana i ka wahine paʻa. ʻElua a lāua mau keiki, akā ʻaʻohe āna hana. Hana ʻo ia, a kūʻai i nā huahana, a mālama i nā mea āpau, akā ʻaʻole makemake ʻo ia e komo i kēia.

Hoʻomaopopo mākou ke kamaʻilio nei mākou e pili ana i ka ʻōnaehana communicative «hyperfunctional-hypofunctional». ʻO ka nui o kāna hōʻino ʻana iā ia, ʻo ka liʻiliʻi o kona makemake e hana i kekahi mea. ʻO ka liʻiliʻi o kāna ʻeleʻele, ʻoi aku ka ikaika a me ka ʻeleu. ʻO kahi pōʻai maʻamau o ka launa pū ʻana ʻaʻohe mea e hauʻoli ai: ʻaʻole hiki i nā kāne ke hele i waho. ʻO kēia moʻolelo holoʻokoʻa ke alakaʻi i ka hemo. A na ka wahine e lawe i na keiki a haalele.

Ua mare hou ke kanaka ʻōpio a hele mai me kahi noi hou: ʻaʻole hauʻoli mau kāna wahine ʻelua iā ia. Hana ʻo ia i nā mea āpau ma mua a ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi ma mua o ia.

Eia ke kanaka hookahi: ma kekahi mau mea, ua like ia me keia, a ma kekahi, ua okoa loa ia. A ʻaʻole ia no ka mea aia kekahi hewa iā ia. ʻO kēia nā ʻōnaehana like ʻole o ka pilina e ulu nei me nā hoa like ʻole.

Loaʻa i kēlā me kēia o mākou ka ʻikepili pahuhopu ʻaʻole hiki ke hoʻololi ʻia. No ka laʻana, psychotempo. Ua hānau ʻia mākou me kēia. A ʻo ka hana a nā hoa e hoʻoponopono i kēia pilikia. Loaʻa i kahi ʻaelike.

Loaʻa i kēlā me kēia hoa kā lākou ʻike ponoʻī no nā hanana maikaʻi ʻole. ʻO kāu moʻolelo e pili ana i ka pilina like.

Ma ke kamaʻilio e pili ana i nā pilina, hana ke kanaka i kēia mau hanana ma ke ʻano. A inā hoʻololi ʻoe i kēia moʻolelo, hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻohuli i nā hanana. ʻO kēia kahi ʻāpana o ka hana ʻana me kahi ʻohana ʻohana: ma ka haʻi hou ʻana i kā lākou moʻolelo, noʻonoʻo hou nā kāne a kākau hou iā ia ma kēia ʻano.

A ke hoʻomanaʻo a noʻonoʻo ʻoe i kāu moʻolelo, nā kumu o nā paio, ke hoʻonohonoho ʻoe iā ʻoe iho i ka pahuhopu o ka launa pū ʻana, hiki mai kahi mea kupanaha: ʻo kēlā mau wahi o ka lolo e hana me ka pilina maikaʻi e hoʻomaka e hana maikaʻi iā ʻoe. A ke loli nei nā pilina no ka maikaʻi.

Mai ka ʻōlelo a Anna Varga ma ka International Practical Conference "Psychology: Challenges of Our Time", i hana ʻia ma Moscow ma ʻApelila 21-24, 2017.