Ke lilo ke keiki i puʻupuʻu

Nui nā kumu i makemake ai kekahi o nā keiki, akā hiki ke koho ʻia ka mea nui - ʻo ka "punahele" e like me ka makuahine. E noʻonoʻo i kahi wahine hopohopo a haʻalele i kāna mau keiki ʻelua - hoʻokahi mālie a hoʻolohe, ʻo ka lua o ka ikaika, hauʻoli, e hoʻāʻo mau ana e uhaki i nā kapu. ʻO wai o lākou e maʻalahi iā ia ke aʻo?

He ʻokoʻa ka manaʻo o nā mākua i nā keiki ma nā pae like ʻole o ka ulu ʻana. No ka laʻana, ʻoi aku ka maʻalahi o ka hānai ʻana i kahi keiki liʻiliʻi loa i ka makuahine mana a me ka mana, no ka mea, ua hiki i ka makua ke kūʻē a hoʻopaʻapaʻa. No laila, lilo ke keiki muli loa i ka makuahine "punahele". Akā pinepine, he kūlana manawa wale nō kēia.

“Ma nā kiʻi mua loa, paʻa koʻu makuahine iaʻu e like me ka pāpaʻi Kina. ʻAʻole ʻo ia e nānā mai iaʻu, akā pololei i ka lens, no ka mea ma kēia kiʻi hōʻike ʻo ia i ka waiwai nui o kāna mau waiwai. Ua like wau me ka ʻīlio maʻemaʻe iā ia. Ma nā wahi a pau, uaʻaʻahuʻiaʻo ia me ka nila - he kakaka nui, he lole nani, he kāmaʻa keʻokeʻo. Hoʻomanaʻo maikaʻi wau i kēia mau kāmaʻa - pono iaʻu e hōʻoia ʻaʻohe wahi ma luna o lākou i nā manawa āpau, pono lākou i ke kūlana kūpono. ʻOiaʻiʻo, ma hope mai ua hoʻomaka wau e hōʻike i ke kūʻokoʻa a, ʻoi aku ka hewa, ua like me koʻu makuakāne, a ua hauʻoli loa koʻu makuahine i kēia. Ua wehewehe ʻo ia ʻaʻole wau i ulu e like me kāna i makemake ai a i manaʻo ai. A nalowale koʻu wahi i ka lā."

ʻAʻole hāʻule nā ​​makuahine a pau i kēia pahele.

“I ka nānā ʻana i hope, ʻike wau ua nui ka pilikia o koʻu makuahine me koʻu kaikuahine. Pono ʻo ia i ke kōkua i nā manawa a pau, akā ʻaʻole wau. A laila, ʻaʻohe mea i ʻike i kēia manawa ua loaʻa iā ia ka maʻi obsessive-compulsive, ua hana ʻia kēia maʻi iā ia i ka wā ʻelemakule, akā ʻo ia nō ke kumu. Akā ma nā ʻano ʻē aʻe a pau, ua hoʻāʻo koʻu makuahine e hana like iā mākou. ʻOiai ʻaʻole ʻo ia i hoʻolilo nui me aʻu e like me kāna i hana ai me kona kaikuahine, ʻaʻole loa wau i manaʻo i ka hana ʻole ʻia."

Akā ʻaʻole hiki kēia i nā ʻohana āpau, ʻoi aku hoʻi i ka wā e pili ana i ka makuahine me ka makemake i ka mana a i ʻole nā ​​​​ʻano narcissistic. I loko o ia mau ʻohana, ʻike ʻia ke keiki ma ke ʻano he hoʻonui o ka makuahine ponoʻī. ʻO ka hopena, ulu ka pilina e like me nā hiʻohiʻona hiki ke wānana. ʻO kekahi o lākou aʻu i kapa aku ai i ka «trophy baby».

ʻO ka mua, e kamaʻilio nui kākou e pili ana i nā ʻano like ʻole o nā mākua i nā keiki.

Ka hopena o ka hana like ʻole

ʻAʻole ia he mea kupanaha ka maʻalahi loa o nā keiki i nā hana like ʻole mai ko lākou mau mākua. ʻO kekahi mea ʻē aʻe - ʻo ka hoʻokūkū ma waena o nā kaikunāne a me nā kaikuahine, i manaʻo ʻia he ʻano "maʻamau", hiki ke loaʻa i kahi hopena kūpono ʻole i nā keiki, ʻoiai inā hoʻohui pū ʻia ka mālama ʻole ʻia e nā mākua i kēia "cocktail".

Ua hōʻike ʻia ka noiʻi ʻana a nā kānaka psychologist Judy Dunn lāua ʻo Robert Plomin e pili pinepine ana nā keiki i ka manaʻo o ko lākou mau mākua i nā kaikaina ma mua o lākou. Wahi a lākou, "inā ʻike ke keiki e hōʻike nui ana ka makuahine i ke aloha a me ka mālama ʻana i kona kaikunāne a i ʻole ke kaikuahine, hiki iā ia ke hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ke aloha a me ka mālama ʻana iā ia."

Hoʻolālā ʻia nā kānaka e pane ikaika aku i nā pōʻino a me nā mea hoʻoweliweli. Hoʻomanaʻo mākou i nā ʻike maikaʻi ʻole ma mua o nā mea hauʻoli a hauʻoli. ʻO ia ke kumu e maʻalahi ai ka hoʻomanaʻo ʻana i ka ʻoliʻoli maoli ʻana o ka makuahine, i ka pūliki ʻana i kou kaikunāne a i ʻole ke kaikuahine - a me ke ʻano o ko mākou nele i ka manawa like, ma mua o kēlā mau manawa i ʻakaʻaka ʻo ia iā ʻoe a ʻoluʻolu iā ʻoe. No ke kumu hoʻokahi, ʻaʻole i uku ʻia ka ʻōlelo hōʻino, ka ʻōlelo hōʻino a me ka ʻakaʻaka mai kekahi o nā mākua e ka manaʻo maikaʻi o ka lua.

He nui nā hopena maikaʻi ʻole i ka ʻaoʻao o nā mākua i ke keiki - emi ka manaʻo ponoʻī, ulu ka maʻamau o ka hoʻohewa ʻana iā ia iho, ʻike ʻia ka manaʻoʻiʻo he mea pono ʻole a aloha ʻole ʻia kekahi, aia ke ʻano o ka hana kūpono ʻole - ʻo ia ke ʻano o ka Ke ho'āʻo nei ke keiki e huki i ka nānā iā ia iho, piʻi ka pilikia o ke kaumaha. A, ʻoiaʻiʻo, pilikia ka pilina o ke keiki me nā kaikaina.

Ke ulu a haʻalele paha kahi keiki i ka home makua, ʻaʻole hiki ke hoʻololi mau ke ʻano pilina paʻa. He mea kūpono ia i loko o nā ʻohana kahi i loaʻa ai nā punahele, piʻi ka nui o ke kaumaha i ka wā makua ʻaʻole wale i nā mea aloha ʻole, akā i nā keiki aloha.

"Me he mea lā ua hoʻopaʻa ʻia au ma waena o ʻelua" hōkū "- koʻu kaikuaʻana-pāʻani a me koʻu kaikaina-ballerina. ʻAʻole he mea nui iaʻu he haumāna pololei A a lanakila wau i nā makana ma nā hoʻokūkū ʻepekema, maopopo ʻaʻole lawa ia no koʻu makuahine. Ua hōʻino loa ʻo ia i koʻu helehelena. "E ʻakaʻaka," ʻōlelo mau ʻo ia, "he mea nui loa i nā kaikamahine ʻike ʻole ke ʻakaʻaka pinepine." He lokoino wale nō. A maopopo iā ʻoe ke aha? ʻO Cinderella koʻu kiʻi,” wahi a kekahi wahine.

Hōʻike nā haʻawina e pili ana ka hana like ʻole e nā mākua i nā keiki inā he kāne like lākou.

ʻO ke kelepona

ʻO nā makuahine i ʻike i kā lākou keiki he mea hoʻonui iā lākou iho a me ka hōʻoia o ko lākou waiwai ponoʻī, makemake lākou i nā keiki e kōkua iā lākou e ʻike i ka kūleʻa - ʻoi aku ka nui o nā maka o waho.

ʻO ka hihia maʻamau ka makuahine e hoʻāʻo nei ma o kāna keiki e hoʻokō i kāna mau makemake i hoʻokō ʻole ʻia, ʻoi aku hoʻi nā mea hana. Hiki ke helu ʻia nā mea hana keaka kaulana e like me Judy Garland, Brooke Shields a me nā mea ʻē aʻe he kumu hoʻohālike o ia mau keiki. Akā ʻaʻole pili pono nā "keiki tropy" me ka honua o ka ʻoihana hōʻikeʻike; hiki ke loaʻa nā kūlana like i nā ʻohana maʻamau.

I kekahi manawa ʻaʻole ʻike ka makuahine ponoʻī he ʻokoʻa kāna hana ʻana i nā keiki. Akā ʻo ka "pedestal o ka hanohano no ka poʻe lanakila" i hana ʻia ma ke ākea a me ka noʻonoʻo, i kekahi manawa e lilo i mea hoʻomana. ʻO nā keiki i loko o ia mau ʻohana - me ka nānā ʻole inā he "laki" lākou e lilo i "keiki trophy" - mai ka wā kamaliʻi e hoʻomaopopo ʻaʻole makemake ka makuahine i ko lākou ʻano, ʻo kā lākou mau hoʻokō a me ka mālamalama a lākou e hōʻike ai he mea nui ia. iā ia.

Ke loaʻa ke aloha a me ka ʻae ʻia i loko o ka ʻohana, ʻaʻole ia e hoʻoulu wale i ka hakakā ma waena o nā keiki, akā e hoʻokiʻekiʻe hoʻi i ke kūlana e hoʻokolokolo ʻia ai nā ʻohana āpau. ʻO nā manaʻo a me nā ʻike o nā "lanakila" a me nā "loers" ʻaʻole ia e hoʻohauʻoli i kekahi, akā ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī o ke keiki "trophy" e hoʻomaopopo i kēia ma mua o ka poʻe i lilo i "scapegoat".

"Noho maoli wau i ka ʻāpana o" keiki trophy "a hiki i koʻu ʻike ʻana hiki iaʻu ke hoʻoholo noʻu iho i ka mea e hana ai. Ua aloha o Mama iaʻu a i ʻole huhū iaʻu, akā ʻo ka hapa nui ua mahalo ʻo ia iaʻu no kona pono ponoʻī - no ke kiʻi, no ka «aahu puka aniani», i mea e loaʻa ai ke aloha a me ka mālama ʻana iā ia iho ʻaʻole i loaʻa i ka wā kamaliʻi.

I ka wā i hoʻōki ai ʻo ia i ka hopu ʻana i nā pūliki a me nā honi a me ke aloha mai iaʻu e pono ai - ua ulu wale wau, ʻaʻole ʻo ia i hiki ke ulu aʻe - a i ka wā i hoʻomaka ai wau e hoʻoholo noʻu iho pehea e ola ai, ua lilo koke wau i mea ʻino loa o ka honua. nona.

He koho kaʻu: e kūʻokoʻa a ʻōlelo i koʻu manaʻo, a i ʻole e hoʻolohe mālie iā ia, me kāna mau koi pono ʻole a me kāna ʻano kūpono ʻole. Ua koho wau i ka mea mua, ʻaʻole au i hoʻokaʻulua e hoʻohewa ākea iā ia a noho mau wau iaʻu iho. A ʻoi aku koʻu hauʻoli ma mua o ka hiki iaʻu ke lilo ma ke ʻano he "pepe trophy."

ʻohana dynamics

E noʻonoʻo ʻoe ʻo ka makuahine ka Lā, a ʻo nā keiki nā hōkū e hoʻopuni ana iā ia a e hoʻāʻo e loaʻa i kā lākou pumehana a me ka nānā. No ka hana ʻana i kēia, hana mau lākou i kahi mea e hōʻike iā ia i kahi mālamalama maikaʻi, a hoʻāʻo e ʻoluʻolu iā ia i nā mea āpau.

"Ua ʻike ʻoe i kā lākou ʻōlelo:" inā hauʻoli ʻo makuahine, ʻaʻohe mea e hauʻoli? Pēlā ka noho ʻana o ko mākou ʻohana. A ʻaʻole au i ʻike he mea maʻamau ia a hiki i koʻu wā nui. ʻAʻole wau he kiʻi o ka ʻohana, ʻaʻole naʻe wau he "kao hoʻopakele". ʻO ka "trophy" koʻu kaikuahine, ʻo wau ka mea i mālama ʻole ʻia, a ua manaʻo ʻia koʻu kaikunāne he pio.

Ua hāʻawi ʻia mākou i kēlā mau kuleana a, ʻo ka hapa nui, ʻo ko mākou wā kamaliʻi a pau mākou i pili iā lākou. Ua holo koʻu kaikunāne, puka i ke kulanui i ka wā e hana ana, a ʻo wau wale nō ka ʻohana āna e kamaʻilio nei. Noho koʻu kaikuahine i ʻelua alanui kaʻawale mai kona makuahine, ʻaʻole wau e kamaʻilio me lākou. Noho maikaʻi māua me koʻu kaikunāne, hauʻoli i ke ola. He ʻohana maikaʻi ko lāua ʻelua a pili pū kekahi i kekahi.

ʻOiai i loko o nā ʻohana he ʻano paʻa ke kūlana o ke keiki "trophy", i nā ʻohana ʻē aʻe hiki ke hoʻololi mau. Eia ke ʻano o ka wahine i kona ola ʻana i ke ʻano hoʻoikaika like i kona wā kamaliʻi a hoʻomau a hiki i kēia manawa, ke ola ʻole kona mau mākua:

"Ke neʻe mau nei ke kūlana o ke keiki "trophy" i loko o kā mākou ʻohana ma muli o ka mea o mākou i hana i ke ʻano, i ka manaʻo o ka makuahine, ʻo nā keiki ʻelua e hana pū kekahi. Hoʻokumu nā kānaka a pau i ka inaina i kekahi i kekahi, a i nā makahiki he nui ma hope, i ka wā o ke kanaka makua, ua hoʻomaka kēia pilikia ulu i ka wā i maʻi ai ko mākou makuahine, pono e mālama ʻia, a laila make.

Ua ala hou ka paio i ka wā i maʻi ai ko mākou makuakāne a make. A hiki i kēia manawa, ʻaʻole paʻa nā kūkākūkā o nā hālāwai ʻohana e hiki mai ana me ka ʻole o ka hakakā.

ʻO Māmā ponoʻī kekahi o nā kaikuahine ʻehā - kokoke i nā makahiki - a mai kona wā liʻiliʻi ua aʻo ʻo ia e hana "pololei". ʻO koʻu kaikunāne wale nō kāna keiki, ʻaʻohe ona kaikunāne i kona wā kamaliʻi. Ua hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻia kāna mau ʻōlelo ʻino a me kāna mau ʻōlelo hoʻomākeʻaka, no ka mea, "ʻaʻole ʻo ia mai ka ʻino." Hoʻopuni ʻia ʻo ia e nā kaikamahine ʻelua, he «trophy boy».

Manaʻo wau ua hoʻomaopopo ʻo ia ua ʻoi aku kona kūlana ma ka ʻohana ma mua o ko mākou, ʻoiai ua manaʻo ʻo ia ʻo wau ka mea punahele a koʻu makuahine. Ua hoʻomaopopo nā kaikunāne a me nā kaikuahine e loli mau ana ko mākou mau kūlana ma ka "pedestal of honore". No keia mea, ua hoehaeha mau ia makou e na kanalua e pili ana i ko makou noho pono ana.

I loko o ia mau ʻohana, e makaala mau ana nā mea a pau a e kiaʻi mau ana, me he mea lā ʻaʻole ʻo ia i "kaʻahele ʻia" ma kekahi ʻano. No ka hapanui o nā kānaka, paʻakikī a luhi kēia.

I kekahi manawa, ʻaʻole i kaupalena ʻia ka dynamics o ka pilina i loko o ia ʻohana i ke koho ʻana i kahi keiki no ke kuleana o ka "trophy", hoʻomaka pū nā mākua e hoʻohilahila a hoʻohaʻahaʻa paha i ka manaʻo ponoʻī o kona kaikunāne a kaikuahine. Hoʻohui pinepine nā keiki i koe i ka hoʻoweliweli, e ho'āʻo ana e lanakila i ka lokomaikaʻi o ko lākou mau mākua.

"I loko o ko mākou ʻohana a me ka pōʻai o nā ʻohana ma ka laulā, ua manaʻo ʻia koʻu kaikuahine he hemolele ponoʻī, no laila i ka wā i hewa ai kekahi mea a pono e ʻimi i ka mea hewa, ʻo wau nō ia. I ka manawa i haʻalele ai koʻu kaikuahine i ka puka hope o ka hale e hāmama, ua holo kā mākou pōpoki, a hoʻopiʻi lākou iaʻu no nā mea āpau. ʻO koʻu kaikuahine ponoʻī i komo i loko o kēia, hoʻopunipuni mau ʻo ia, ʻōlelo hōʻino iaʻu. A hoʻomau i ka hana like i ko mākou wā i ulu ai. I koʻu manaʻo, no nā makahiki he 40, ʻaʻole ʻōlelo koʻu makuahine i kekahi ʻōlelo i kona kaikuahine. A no ke aha, aia au? A i ʻole, ʻo ia - a hiki i kona hoʻopau ʻana i nā pilina me lāua ʻelua.

He mau ʻōlelo hou aʻe e pili ana i ka poʻe lanakila a me nā mea pio

I koʻu aʻo ʻana i nā moʻolelo mai ka poʻe heluhelu, ʻike wau i ka nui o nā wahine i aloha ʻole ʻia i ka wā kamaliʻi a ua hana ʻo ia i nā "scapegoats" i ʻōlelo i kēia manawa ua hauʻoli lākou ʻaʻole lākou he "trophies". ʻAʻole wau he psychologist a i ʻole psychotherapist, akā no ka ʻoi aku o 15 mau makahiki ua kamaʻilio mau wau me nā wahine i aloha ʻole ʻia e ko lākou mau makuahine, a he mea kupanaha kēia iaʻu.

ʻAʻole kēia mau wahine i hoʻāʻo e hoʻohaʻahaʻa i kā lākou mau ʻike a i ʻole e hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ka ʻeha a lākou i ʻike ai ma ke ʻano he kipaku ʻia i loko o ko lākou ʻohana ponoʻī - akā, ua hoʻoikaika lākou i kēia ma nā ʻano āpau - a ua ʻae lākou he wā kamaliʻi weliweli ko lākou. Akā - a he mea nui kēia - he nui ka poʻe i ʻike i ko lākou mau kaikunāne a me nā kaikuahine, ka mea i hana ma ke ʻano he "trophies", ʻaʻole i hoʻokele e haʻalele i ka dynamics maikaʻi ʻole o ka pilina ʻohana, akā ua hiki iā lākou ke hana - no ka mea pono lākou.

Ua nui nā moʻolelo o nā "kaikamahine trophy" i lilo i kope o ko lākou mau makuahine - nā wahine narcissistic like i hiki ke hoʻomalu ma o ka māhele a lanakila. A aia kekahi mau moʻolelo e pili ana i nā keikikāne i hoʻomaikaʻi ʻia a mālama ʻia - pono lākou e hemolele - ʻoiai ma hope o 45 mau makahiki ua hoʻomau lākou e noho i ka hale o ko lākou mau mākua.

Ua ʻike kekahi poʻe, ua hoʻoili ʻia kēia ʻano pilina ʻino i ka hanauna e hiki mai ana, a ua hoʻomau ʻia ka hoʻoikaika ʻana i nā moʻopuna a kēlā mau makuahine i maʻa i ka nānā ʻana i nā keiki he mau poʻokela.

Ma kekahi ʻaoʻao, ua lohe au i nā moʻolelo he nui o nā kaikamahine i hiki ke hoʻoholo ʻaʻole e noho mālie, akā e pale i ko lākou mau pono. Ua hoʻopau kekahi i ka pilina me ko lākou ʻohana, ua hoʻopaʻa ʻia kekahi, akā mai kānalua e kuhikuhi pololei i ko lākou mau mākua e pili ana i kā lākou ʻano kūpono ʻole.

Ua hoʻoholo kekahi e lilo i "lā" iā lākou iho a hāʻawi i ka mahana i nā "pūnaewele honua". Ua hana ikaika lākou iā lākou iho e hoʻomaopopo pono a hoʻomaopopo i ka mea i loaʻa iā lākou i ka wā kamaliʻi, a kūkulu i ko lākou ola ponoʻī - me kā lākou mau hoaaloha a me ko lākou ʻohana. ʻAʻole kēia manaʻo ʻaʻole loaʻa iā lākou nā ʻeha ʻuhane, akā hoʻokahi mea like lākou a pau: no lākou ʻoi aku ka mea nui ʻaʻole i ka hana a ke kanaka, akā ʻo kāna ʻano.

Kāhea wau i ka holomua.