I ke kaumaha a me ka ʻoliʻoli: no ke aha he mea nui ka pilina

“‘I he taimi na‘e ‘i ai ‘eku foha ‘i he tokanga ma‘ongo‘onga, na‘á ku ongo‘i na‘e ‘ikai ke tokoni‘i au pe na‘a nau mole,” ko e tohi ia ‘a Maria. - ʻO ka mea wale nō i kōkua iaʻu i kēlā manawa, ʻo ia ke kākoʻo o kahi hoaaloha aʻu i ʻike ai ma mua o 30 mau makahiki. Mahalo iā ia, ua manaʻo wau e maikaʻi nā mea a pau. Ua ʻike pono ʻo ia i kāna mea e ʻōlelo ai a e hana ai e hoʻomaikaʻi ai iaʻu. "

Ua loaʻa paha kekahi mea like i nā mea he nui. ʻO kēia ka ikaika o ka pilina, kāna mea huna nui. Aloha mākou i nā hoaaloha ʻaʻole wale no ko lākou ʻano, akā no ka mea hoʻi lākou e hoʻolilo iā mākou i ko mākou ʻano.

"I kēia manawa ua helu lākou iā ʻoe"

He holoholona pili kanaka ke kanaka, no laila ua hoʻolālā ʻia ko mākou kino a me ko mākou lolo e hana i nā ʻano pili like ʻole. Ke hoʻomaka nei e lilo i hoaaloha, hana mākou me ke kōkua o:

• paʻi, ka mea e hoʻoulu ai i ka hana o ka oxytocin a kōkua iā mākou e hilinaʻi i nā poʻe ʻē aʻe;
• nā kamaʻilio e hiki ai iā mākou ke hoʻoholo i ko mākou wahi i ka hui a ʻike i ka mea ʻaʻole mai kā mākou hui a ʻaʻole pono e ʻae ʻia i loko;
• kaʻana like i ka neʻe ʻana me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe e hoʻokuʻu i nā endorphins (e noʻonoʻo i nā kaikamahine ʻōpio e pūliki ana, ʻōhumu, a hula i kahi pāʻina).

Eia naʻe, ʻoiai ua hana ʻia mākou e kamaʻilio me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe, he palena ko mākou hiki. No laila, ua hōʻike ʻia kahi noiʻi e ka anthropologist Pelekane a me ka evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar e hiki i ke kanaka ke mālama a hiki i 150 mau pilina o nā pae like ʻole o ka pili. ʻO kēia mau mea, hiki i ka 5 mau hoaaloha maikaʻi, 10 mau hoaaloha pili, 35 mau hoaaloha, 100 mau hoaaloha.

He aha ke kumu o ia mau kapu? "ʻAʻole like nā hoaaloha me nā pilina me nā ʻohana a hiki ʻole iā mākou ke kamaʻilio no kekahi manawa, no ka mea, ʻike mākou ʻaʻole lākou e hele i nā wahi a pau, no ka mea ua pili mākou i nā pili koko," wahi a Cheryl Carmichael, psychologist. "Pono ka hoaloha i ke kamaʻilio mau a me ka hoʻi ʻana o ka naʻau."

ʻAʻole kēia manaʻo e loaʻa iā ʻoe ʻelima mau hoaaloha maikaʻi loa a i ʻole hoʻokahi haneli mau pilina ma nā ʻoihana pūnaewele. Akā, ua hoʻonohonoho pono ʻia ko mākou lolo a ʻaʻole hiki iā mākou ke huki hou i ka naʻau a me ke kino.

Kākoʻo aloha a kōkua

Pono nā ʻano hoaaloha a pau ma ko lākou ʻano ponoʻī. I nā kūlana ola paʻakikī, huli mākou i kahi pōʻai liʻiliʻi o nā hoaaloha no ke kōkua, nāna e hāʻawi iā mākou i kahi mea hiki ʻole iā mākou ke loaʻa mai kahi hoa a i ʻole ʻohana.

Me kahi mea hauʻoli ʻoe e hele i kahi ʻahamele a i ʻole i kahi cafe e kamaʻilio ai. E noi i nā poʻe ʻē aʻe no ke kōkua, akā me ke ʻano e hāʻawi pū ʻoe iā lākou i kahi lawelawe ma hope. Hiki iā ʻoe ke hele mai i nā hoaaloha mai ka ʻoihana pūnaewele no ka ʻōlelo aʻo (ʻoiai ʻaʻole ikaika loa ka pili o ka naʻau me lākou, akā hiki i kēia poʻe ke hoʻolei i kahi manaʻo a kōkua paha e nānā i ka pilikia mai kahi kihi hou).

Hāʻawi nā hoaaloha iā mākou i ke kākoʻo kino, pono, naʻau i ka wā e pono ai mākou, wehewehe ʻo Carmichael. Ke manaʻoʻiʻo nei ʻo ia e pale aku ka pilina iā mākou mai ka hopena traumatic a ka honua a puni mākou i kekahi manawa ma luna o mākou. He kōkua ia e hoʻomanaʻo ʻo wai mākou, e ʻike i ko mākou wahi i ka honua. Eia kekahi, aia kekahi poʻe he mea leʻaleʻa a maʻalahi iā mākou ke kamaʻilio, ʻakaʻaka, pāʻani haʻuki a nānā i kahi kiʻiʻoniʻoni.

Eia kekahi, kuhikuhi ʻo Carmichael i nā ʻano maikaʻi ʻole o ka pilina: ʻaʻole olakino mau a lōʻihi ka lōʻihi. I kekahi manawa, ʻokoʻa nā ala o nā hoaaloha maikaʻi loa, a ʻo nā mea a mākou i hilinaʻi ai e kumakaia iā mākou. Hiki ke hoʻopau ʻia nā hoaaloha no nā kumu like ʻole. I kekahi manawa he kuhi hewa, nā kūlanakauhale a me nā ʻāina like ʻole, kūʻē i nā manaʻo e pili ana i ke ola, a i ʻole mākou e ulu i kēia mau pilina.

A ʻoiai ke hana nei kēia i nā manawa a pau, ʻeha ka nalo ʻana o nā hoaaloha: ʻo ka hoʻokaʻawale ʻana iā mākou mehameha. A ʻo ka mehameha kekahi o nā pilikia paʻakikī o ko kākou manawa. He pōʻino - ʻoi aku paha ka pōʻino ma mua o ka maʻi kanesa a me ka puhi paka. Hoʻonui ia i ka pilikia o ka hōʻeha puʻuwai, ka hahau ʻana, ka dementia a me ka make mua.

Mehameha kekahi me ka hoʻopuni ʻia e nā kānaka. Manaʻo lākou ʻaʻole hiki iā lākou ke noho pū me kekahi. ʻO ia ke kumu e maikaʻi ai kou olakino ka mālama ʻana i ka pilina pili a hilinaʻi.

ʻOi aku nā hoaaloha - ʻoi aku ka lolo

Ua noʻonoʻo paha ʻoe no ke aha i ʻoi aku ai ka hoaaloha o kekahi poʻe ma mua o nā poʻe ʻē aʻe? No ke aha i loaʻa ai i kekahi poʻe i kahi pōʻai nui o nā pilina pili, a ʻo nā mea ʻē aʻe i kaupalena ʻia i kekahi mau hoaaloha? ʻO ka nui o nā mea e pili ana i ka hiki ke launa pū me ka pilikanaka, akā aia kekahi mea kupanaha. ʻIke ʻia ʻo ka helu o nā hoaaloha e pili ana i ka nui o ka amygdala, kahi wahi liʻiliʻi huna i loko o ka lolo.

ʻO ka amygdala ke kuleana no nā hopena o ka naʻau, no ka mea pehea mākou e ʻike ai i ka mea hoihoi ʻole iā mākou, a me ka mea hiki iā mākou ke kamaʻilio, ʻo wai ko mākou hoaaloha a ʻo wai ko mākou ʻenemi. ʻO kēia nā mea nui loa i ka mālama ʻana i ka pilina pili kanaka.

No ka hoʻokumuʻana i ka pilina ma waena o ka nui o ka amygdala a me ka pōʻai o nā hoaaloha a me nā hoaaloha, ua aʻo nā mea noiʻi i nā pūnaewele kaiaulu o 60 mau mākua. Uaʻikeʻia ua pili pono ka helu o nā pilina pili i ka nui o ka amygdala:ʻo ka nui,ʻo ka nui o nā pilina.

He mea nui e hoʻomaopopo ʻaʻole pili ka nui o ka amygdala i ka maikaʻi o nā pilina, ke kākoʻo i loaʻa i ka poʻe, a i ʻole ka manaʻo o ka hauʻoli. He nīnau paʻa ʻole ia inā piʻi ka amygdala i ke kaʻina o ke kamaʻilio ʻana a i ʻole i hānau ʻia ke kanaka me kahi amygdala nui a laila e hoʻonui i nā hoaaloha a me nā hoaaloha.

“Me ka ʻole o nā hoaaloha, ua liʻiliʻi wau”

Ua ʻae ka poʻe akamai he maikaʻi nā pilina pili i ke olakino. ʻOi aku ka lōʻihi o ka noho ʻana o ka poʻe ʻelemakule me nā hoaaloha ma mua o ka poʻe ʻaʻole. Mālama ka hoaaloha iā mākou mai ka puʻuwai a me nā pilikia noʻonoʻo.

Ua nānā ka poʻe noiʻi i ka ʻano o nā ʻōpio ʻoi aku ma mua o 15, nā ʻōpio, nā ʻōpio waena a me nā ʻelemakule i hāʻawi i ka ʻike e pili ana i ka helu a me ka maikaʻi o kā lākou pilina. Ua loiloi ʻia ka maikaʻi e ke ʻano o ke kākoʻo kaiapili a i ʻole ka ʻehaʻeha i loaʻa iā lākou mai ka ʻohana, nā hoaaloha, nā hoaaloha a me nā hoa papa, inā manaʻo lākou e mālama ʻia, kōkua a hoʻomaopopo ʻia - a i ʻole hoʻohewa ʻia, huhū a hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻia.

ʻO ka helu i hilinaʻi ʻia inā pili lākou, pehea ka manawa i ʻike ai lākou i ka ʻohana a me nā hoaaloha, he aha nā kaiāulu a lākou i manaʻo ai iā lākou iho. Ua nānā nā mea noiʻi i ko lākou olakino ma hope o 4 mau makahiki a me 15 mau makahiki.

"Ua ʻike mākou e pili ana nā pilina pili i ke olakino, ʻo ia hoʻi e hoʻokokoke pono nā kānaka i kā lākou mālama ʻana," wahi a kekahi o nā mea kākau o ka noiʻi, ʻo Professor Kathleen Harris. "Hiki i nā kula a me nā kulanui ke hoʻopaʻa i nā hana no nā haumāna hiki ʻole ke launa pū me lākou iho, a ʻo nā kauka, i ka wā e hana ana i kahi hoʻokolokolo, pono e nīnau i nā mea maʻi e pili ana i ka pilina pili kanaka."

ʻAʻole like me nā poʻe ʻōpio a me nā poʻe ʻōpio, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka poʻe waena me ka nui o ka launa pū ʻana ma mua o ko lākou mau hoa pili liʻiliʻi. No lākou, ʻoi aku ka nui o ka maikaʻi o ka pilina. ʻO ka poʻe mākua me ke kākoʻo maoli ʻole, ua ʻoi aku ka ʻeha a me ka maʻi ma mua o ka poʻe pili pili, hilinaʻi me nā hoaaloha a me ka ʻohana.

ʻO kekahi mea koʻikoʻi: i nā makahiki like ʻole, loaʻa iā mākou nā pono kamaʻilio like ʻole. ʻO kēia ka hopena i loaʻa e nā mea kākau o kahi noiʻi e ke Kulanui o Rochester, i hoʻomaka i ka makahiki 1970. Ua hele ʻia e 222 poʻe. Ua pane lākou a pau i nā nīnau e pili ana i ka pili ʻana o ko lākou pilina me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe a me ka nui o ka pilina pili kaiaulu i loaʻa iā lākou ma ka laulā. Ma hope o 20 mau makahiki, ua hōʻuluʻulu nā mea noiʻi i nā hopena (a laila ua ʻoi aku ka nui o nā kumuhana).

"ʻAʻohe mea nui inā he nui kāu mau hoaaloha a ʻoluʻolu paha ʻoe me kahi pōʻai haiki, maikaʻi ke kamaʻilio kokoke me kēia poʻe no kou olakino," wahi a Cheryl Carmichael. ʻO ke kumu i ʻoi aku ka koʻikoʻi o kekahi mau hiʻohiʻona o ka pilina ma kekahi makahiki a ʻo nā mea ʻē aʻe i kekahi no ka loli ʻana o kā mākou mau pahuhopu i ko mākou mau makahiki, wahi a Carmichael.

I ko mākou wā liʻiliʻi, kōkua nā hui lehulehu iā mākou e aʻo i nā mākau pilikanaka a hoʻomaopopo maikaʻi i ko mākou wahi i ka honua. Akā i ko mākou piha ʻana i ke kanakolu, hoʻololi ko mākou pono no ka pilina, ʻaʻole pono mākou i ka nui o nā hoaaloha - akā, pono mākou i nā hoaaloha pili i hoʻomaopopo a kākoʻo iā mākou.

Hoʻomaopopo ʻo Carmichael ʻaʻole i ʻike mau ʻia nā pilina pili i ka makahiki iwakālua e ka pili a me ka hohonu, ʻoiai ma ke kanakolu e piʻi ka maikaʻi o nā pilina.

Hoalohaloha: the law of attraction

ʻO ka dynamics o ka hoaloha he mea pohihihi ia. E like me ke aloha, ʻo ka hoaaloha i kekahi manawa "hiki wale."

Ua hōʻike ʻia nā noiʻi hou he ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī o ke kaʻina o ka hoʻokumu ʻana i nā hoaaloha ma mua o ka manaʻo o ka poʻe he nui. Ua hoʻāʻo ka poʻe ʻepekema a me nā psychologists e hoʻoholo i nā mana e hoʻohuli ai i nā hoaaloha i kekahi i kekahi a me ka mea e hiki ai i ka pilina ke ulu i ka pilina maoli. Ua ʻimi lākou i nā hiʻohiʻona o ka pilina pili i waena o nā hoaaloha a ʻike i ka "mea" paʻakikī e hoʻokomo i kahi hoaaloha i ka ʻāpana "ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi". Hana kēia pilina i hoʻokahi minuke, akā hohonu loa. Aia ia ma ka puʻuwai o ke ʻano pohihihi o ka pilina.

E komo i ka friendzone

I kekahi mau makahiki i hala aku nei, ua hoʻomaka ka poʻe noiʻi e ʻike i ke ʻano o ka pilina ma waena o ka poʻe noho o ka hale hoʻokahi. Ua ʻike ʻia ʻo ka poʻe noho o nā papahele hanohano i hoʻolauna wale i ko lākou mau hoalauna ma ka papahele, ʻoiai ʻo nā mea ʻē aʻe e hoʻolauna i nā hoaaloha ma ka hale.

Wahi a ka noiʻi, ʻoi aku ka nui o nā hoaaloha i ka poʻe i hele mau i nā ala: nā hoa hana, nā hoa papa, a i ʻole nā ​​​​mea hele i ka hale haʻuki hoʻokahi. Eia naʻe, ʻaʻole maʻalahi nā mea a pau.

No ke aha mākou e kamaʻilio ai me hoʻokahi kanaka mai ka papa yoga, a ʻaʻohe ʻōlelo aloha i kekahi? He maʻalahi ka pane: kaʻana like mākou i nā makemake like. Akā ʻaʻole ʻo ia wale nō: i kekahi manawa, pau nā kānaka ʻelua i ka lilo ʻana i mau hoaaloha a lilo i mau hoaaloha ʻoiaʻiʻo.

"ʻO ka hoʻololi ʻana o ka pilina aloha i ka wā e wehe ai kekahi i kekahi a nānā inā ua mākaukau ʻo ia e wehe iā ia. He kaʻina hana like kēia, "wahi a Beverly Fehr, ka ʻepekema kanaka. ʻO ka pānaʻi ke kī o ka pilina.

Hoa mau loa?

Inā pili ka pilina, inā hāmama nā kānaka i kekahi i kekahi, ʻo ka hana aʻe ka pilina. Wahi a Fer, ʻike nā hoaaloha o ka wahine like i kekahi i kekahi, e hoʻomaopopo i ka mea e pono ai ka mea ʻē aʻe a me kāna mea e hāʻawi ai.

Hoʻopili pū ʻia ke kōkua a me ke kākoʻo ʻole me ka ʻae ʻana, ka hilinaʻi a me ka hilinaʻi. Aia mau nā hoaaloha me mākou, akā ʻike lākou i ka wā e pono ʻole ai ka palena. ʻO ka poʻe i manaʻo mau e pili ana i kā mākou ʻaʻahu, e pili ana i kā mākou hoa a i ʻole nā ​​​​mea leʻaleʻa ʻaʻole paha e noho lōʻihi.

Ke ʻae ke kanaka i nā lula o ka pāʻani me ka intuitively, ʻoi aku ka hohonu a me ka waiwai o ka pilina me ia. Akā ʻo ka hiki ke hāʻawi i ke kākoʻo waiwai ʻaʻole ia ma kahi mua ma ka papa inoa o nā ʻano o kahi hoaaloha maoli. ʻAʻole hiki ke kūʻai ʻia ka hoaaloha me ke kālā.

ʻO ka makemake e hāʻawi aku ma mua o ka loaʻa ʻana he mau hoaaloha maikaʻi mākou. Aia kekahi mea e like me Franklin's paradox: ʻo kekahi i hana i kekahi mea no mākou e hana hou i kekahi mea ma mua o ka mea a mākou i hāʻawi aku ai i kahi lawelawe.

ʻO kaʻu kukui aniani, e haʻi mai iaʻu: ka ʻoiaʻiʻo e pili ana i nā hoaaloha maikaʻi loa

Hoʻokumu ka pilina i ke kumu o ka pilina. Eia kekahi, pili mākou me nā hoaaloha pili maoli e ka manaʻo o ke kuleana: inā pono kahi hoaaloha e kamaʻilio, mākaukau mau mākou e hoʻolohe iā ia. Inā makemake kahi hoaaloha i ke kōkua, e haʻalele mākou i nā mea āpau a holo wikiwiki iā ia.

Akā, e like me ka noiʻi ʻana o nā kānaka psychologists ʻo Carolyn Weiss lāua ʻo Lisa Wood, aia kekahi mea e hui pū ai i ka poʻe: kākoʻo kaiaulu - ke kākoʻo ka hoaaloha i ko mākou manaʻo ma ke ʻano he ʻāpana o ka hui, ko mākou ʻike pilikino (hiki ke pili me ko mākou hoʻomana, ka lāhui, ka hana kaiaulu) .

Ua hōʻike ʻo Weiss lāua ʻo Wood i ke koʻikoʻi o ka mālama ʻana i kahi ʻike pilikino. Wahi a nā haʻawina i hana ʻia me kahi hui o nā haumāna mai ka makahiki mua o ke aʻo ʻana a hiki i ka makahiki hope, ua ulu ka pilina ma waena o lākou i nā makahiki.

Loaʻa pinepine kahi hoaaloha maikaʻi i ka hui kaiaulu like me ʻoe. Eia kekahi laʻana, inā he 'âlapa 'oe, he 'âlapa paha kou hoa.

ʻO ko mākou makemake no ka hoʻoholo ponoʻī, ko mākou makemake e lilo i ʻāpana o kahi hui, ikaika loa ia e hiki ke hoʻopilikia i ka poʻe i hoʻohui i ka lāʻau. Inā manaʻo ke kanaka he ʻāpana ia o kahi hui lāʻau ʻole, ʻoi aku ka nui o ka haʻalele. Inā he addicts kona kaiapuni nui, a laila ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī o ka hoʻopau ʻana i ka maʻi.

ʻO ka hapa nui o mākou makemake e noʻonoʻo e aloha mākou i kā mākou mau hoaaloha no ko lākou ʻano. ʻOiaʻiʻo, kōkua lākou iā mākou e noho i ko mākou ʻano.

Pehea e mālama ai i ka pilina

Me ka makahiki, ʻaʻole hiki ke hoʻololi ʻia ko mākou hiki ke hana i nā hoaaloha, akā paʻakikī ka mālama ʻana i ka pilina: ma hope o ke kula a me ke kulanui, he nui nā kuleana a me nā pilikia. ʻO nā keiki, nā kāne, nā mākua kahiko, ka hana, nā leʻaleʻa, nā leʻaleʻa. ʻAʻole lawa ka manawa no nā mea āpau, akā pono ʻoe e hoʻokaʻawale iā ia e kamaʻilio me nā hoaaloha.

Akā, inā makemake mākou e hoʻomau i ka pilina me kekahi, pono ia e hana ma kā mākou ʻaoʻao. Eia nā kumu ʻehā e kōkua iā mākou e lilo i mau hoaaloha no ka manawa lōʻihi:

1. ka hāmama;
2. makemake e kākoʻo;
3. ka makemake e kamaʻilio;
4. manaʻo maikaʻi ma ka honua.

Inā mālama ʻoe i kēia mau ʻano ʻehā iā ʻoe iho, a laila e mālama ʻoe i ka pilina. ʻOiaʻiʻo, ʻaʻole maʻalahi kēia e hana - pono e hoʻoikaika ʻia - akā ʻo ka pilina ma ke ʻano he kumu pau ʻole, he kumu o ke kākoʻo a me ka ikaika a me ke kī i ka ʻimi ʻana iā ʻoe iho, pono ia.