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ʻAʻohe mea pili i kāu keiki: e haʻi iā ia!
Ma mua o kou hoʻoholo ʻana, e hāʻawi iā ʻoe iho i manawa e noʻonoʻo ai. Ke pilikia ka wā e hiki mai ana a me ke ola o ke keiki i kēlā lā i kēia lā, e noʻonoʻo pono ma mua o ka hoʻoholo ʻana e kaʻawale. ʻO ka makahiki ma hope o ka hānau ʻana o kahi pēpē - inā ʻo ia ka mua a i ʻole ka lua o ke keiki - ʻo ia he ho'āʻo paʻakikī loa no ka pilina male : pinepine, huhū ke kāne a me ka wahine i ka hoʻololi ʻana a neʻe aku kekahi i kekahi manawa.
Ma ke ʻano he hana mua, mai hoʻokaʻulua e nīnau i kahi ʻaoʻao ʻekolu, he uwao ʻohana a i ʻole ke kākāʻōlelo mare, e hoʻomaopopo i ka hewa a hoʻāʻo e hoʻomaka hou ma nā kumu hou.
Inā ʻoiai nā mea a pau, ʻo ka kaawale ana pono, e noʻonoʻo mua i ka mālama ʻana i kāu pēpē. ʻO ke keiki, ʻoiai liʻiliʻi loa, he kālena pupule no ka manaʻo hewa i ka hopena maikaʻi ʻole. E haʻi iā ia ʻaʻole e hui hou kona makuahine a me kona makuakāne, akā aloha lāua iā ia a e hoʻomau ʻo ia e ʻike iā lāua ʻelua. ʻO Françoise Dolto ka mea kālaiʻike kaulana kaulana, nāna i ʻike i kāna kūkākūkā ʻana i nā keiki hou i ka hopena maikaʻi o nā huaʻōlelo ʻoiaʻiʻo i nā pēpē: "Ua ʻike wau ʻaʻole maopopo ʻo ia i nā mea a pau aʻu e ʻōlelo aku ai iā ia, akā maopopo iaʻu ua hana ʻo ia i kekahi mea no ka mea ʻo ia. ʻaʻole like ma hope. ʻO ka manaʻo ʻaʻole ʻike kahi keiki liʻiliʻi i ke kūlana a i ka manawa like e pale ʻia mai ka huhū a i ke kaumaha paha o kona mau mākua. Ma muli o kāna ʻōlelo ʻole, ʻaʻole ia he manaʻo! ʻOiaʻiʻo, ʻo kahi keiki liʻiliʻi he ʻōhuʻu manaʻo maoli. ʻIke pono ʻo ia i ka mea e hana nei, akā ʻaʻole ʻo ia e haʻi ʻōlelo. He mea nui e mālama pono a wehewehe mālie i ke kaʻawale ʻana iā ia: "Ma waena o kou makuakāne me aʻu, aia nā pilikia, huhū loa wau iā ia a huhū loa ʻo ia iaʻu. »ʻAʻole pono e ʻōlelo hou aʻe, e ninini i kona kaumaha, kona huhū no ka mea he mea pono e mālama i ke ola o kāna keiki a mālama iā ia i nā hakakā. Inā pono ʻoe e hoʻomaha, e kamaʻilio me kahi hoaaloha a i ʻole e emi iho.
E hoʻololi i ka pilina aloha i haki ʻia me kahi kuikahi makua
No ka ulu maikaʻi a kūkulu i ka palekana i loko, pono nā keiki e manaʻo e makemake nā mākua ʻelua i kā lākou maikaʻi a hiki iā lākou ke ʻae i ka mālama keiki ʻaʻole e hoʻokaʻawale i kekahi. ʻOiai ʻaʻole ʻo ia e ʻōlelo. hopu ka pēpē i ka hanohano a me ka mahalo i koe ma waena o kona makuakāne a me kona makuahine. He mea nui e kamaʻilio kēlā me kēia makua e pili ana i kā lāua hoa ma mua ma ka ʻōlelo ʻana "kou makuakāne" a me "kou makuahine", ʻaʻole "kekahi". Ma muli o ka mahalo a me ke aloha i kāna keiki, pono ka makuahine me ke keiki i ka hale noho mua e mālama i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo makua, e hoʻāla i ke alo o kona makuakāne i kona haʻalele ʻana, e hōʻike i nā kiʻi i kahi i hui ai ma mua o ka haki ʻana o ka ʻohana. ʻO ka mea like inā hāʻawi ʻia ka hale nui i ka makua kāne. ʻOiai paʻakikī e hana i kahi "hoʻolauleʻa" ma ka pae makua, e hōʻoia i ka lawe pū ʻia ʻana o nā hoʻoholo koʻikoʻi: “No nā lā hoʻomaha, e kamaʻilio wau me kou makuakāne. » Hāʻawi i kāu keiki a ka hele ʻana o ka naʻau ma ka ʻae ʻana iā ia e loaʻa nā manaʻo ikaika no ka makua ʻē aʻe: “He kuleana kou e aloha i kou makuahine. "E hōʻoia hou i ka waiwai o ka makua o ka ex-spouse:" He makuahine maikaʻi kou makuahine. ʻO ka ʻike ʻole hou ʻana iā ia ʻaʻole ia e kōkua iā ʻoe a iaʻu paha. "" ʻAʻole ma ka hoʻonele ʻana iā ʻoe iho i kou makuakāne e kōkua ʻoe iaʻu a kōkua paha iā ʻoe iho.
E hoʻokaʻawale i waena o ka conjugality a me ka makua. No ke kāne a me ka wahine he mau kāne, ʻo ka kaʻawale ʻana he ʻeha narcissistic. Pono mākou e kanikau i ko lākou aloha a me ko ka ʻohana a lākou i hana pū ai. A laila, nui ka pilikia o ka huikau i ka ex-spouse a me ka makua, o ka huikau i ka hakaka ma waena o ke kane a me ka wahine, a me ka hakaka e hoopau ana i ka makuakane a me ka makuahine ma ke ano o ke kii. ʻO ka mea pōʻino loa i ke keiki, ʻo ia ka hoʻāla ʻana i ka haʻalele pseudo i loaʻa : "Ua haʻalele kou makuakāne, ua haʻalele ʻo ia iā mākou", a i ʻole "Ua haʻalele kou makuahine, haʻalele ʻo ia iā mākou. "Eia koke, ʻike ke keiki ua haʻalele ʻia ʻo ia a ʻōlelo hou ʻo ia:" Hoʻokahi wale nō koʻu makuahine, ʻaʻohe oʻu makuakāne. “
E koho i kahi ʻōnaehana mālama keiki kahi e ʻike ai i nā mākua ʻelua
ʻO ka maikaʻi o ka paʻa mua i hana ʻia e ke pēpē me kona makuahine he mea nui, ʻoi aku ka nui makahiki mua o kona ola ana. Akā, he mea nui e hoʻopaʻa ka makua kāne i kahi pilina maikaʻi me kāna keiki mai nā mahina mua. I ka wā o kahi kaʻawale mua, e hōʻoia i ka mālama ʻana o ka makua kāne i ka pilina a loaʻa kahi wahi i ka hoʻonohonoho o ke ola, i loaʻa iā ia nā kuleana kipa a noho. ʻAʻole ʻōlelo ʻia ka mālama hui ʻana i nā makahiki mua, akā hiki ke mālama i ka pilina makua kāne-keiki ma mua o ka hoʻokaʻawale ʻana e like me ke mele maʻamau a me ka papa hana paʻa. ʻAʻole ka makua mālama i ka makua mua, e like me ka makua "non-host" ʻaʻole ia he makua lua.
E mālama i nā manawa i hoʻonohonoho ʻia me ka makua ʻē aʻe. ʻO ka mea mua e ʻōlelo aku ai i ke keiki e hele ana i kekahi makua no ka lā a i ʻole ka hopena pule, "ʻOliʻoli wau e hele pū ana ʻoe me kou makuakāne." ʻO ka lua, he hilinai : “Ua maopopo ia'u e holo pono ana na mea a pau, he mau manao maikai ko kou makuakane. ʻO ke kolu, ʻo ia ka wehewehe ʻana iā ia i kona hele ʻole ʻana, no ka laʻana, e hele ʻoe i ka hale kiʻiʻoniʻoni me kou mau hoaaloha. Hoʻomaha ke keiki i ka ʻike ʻana ʻaʻole ʻoe e waiho wale ʻia. A ʻo ka hā o ka hoʻāla ʻana i ka hui hou ʻana: "E hauʻoli wau e hālāwai me ʻoe i ke ahiahi Sābati." ʻO ke kūpono, hauʻoli kēlā me kēia o nā mākua ʻelua i ka hauʻoli ʻana o ke keiki me kekahi, i kona hele ʻole ʻana.
E hōʻalo i ka pahele o ka "alienation makua"
Ma hope o ka haʻihaʻi ʻana a me nā paio e pili ana, ʻoi aku ka huhū a me ka huhū no kekahi manawa. He paʻakikī, inā ʻaʻole hiki ʻole, ke pakele i ka manaʻo o ka hāʻule. I keia manawa pilikia, nawaliwali loa ka makua e hookipa ana i ke keiki a hiki ia ia ke haule iloko o ka pahele o ka paa ana o ke keiki.. Ua helu ʻia nā hōʻailona o ka "alienation makua". ʻO ka makua hoʻokaʻawale i alakaʻi ʻia e ka makemake e hoʻopaʻi, makemake ʻo ia e uku i kekahi no kāna mea i ʻeha ai. Hoʻāʻo ʻo ia e hoʻopaneʻe a hoʻopau paha i nā kuleana kipa a me nā pono noho o kekahi. ʻO nā kūkākūkā i ka wā o ka hoʻololi ʻana ʻo ia ka manawa no ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa a me nā pilikia i mua o ke keiki. ʻAʻole mālama ka makua haʻalele i ka pilina o ke keiki me nā makuahōnōwai mua. He ʻōlelo ʻino ʻo ia a koi aku i ke keiki e hui i ka makua "maikaʻi" (ia) kū'ē i ka "ino" (kekahi). Hoʻokuʻu ka alienator i ke keiki a me kāna hoʻonaʻauao, ʻaʻohe ona ola pilikino, nā hoaaloha a me nā leʻaleʻa. Hōʻike ʻo ia iā ia iho ma ke ʻano he mea pepehi kanaka. ʻAʻole koke, lawe koke ke keiki i kona ʻaoʻao a ʻaʻole makemake hou e ʻike i kekahi makua. He hopena koʻikoʻi kēia manaʻo hoʻokae i ka wā ʻōpio, ke nānā pono ke keiki inā ua haʻalele ka makua ʻē aʻe e like me ka mea i haʻi ʻia a ʻike ʻo ia ua hoʻopunipuni ʻia ʻo ia.
I ʻole e hāʻule i loko o ka pahele o ka maʻi hoʻokaʻawale makua, he mea nui e hoʻoikaika a hoʻāʻo, ʻoiai inā ʻaʻole hiki ke hoʻokō ʻia ka hakakā, he hoʻolauleʻa. Ua like ina ua paa ke kulana, Loaʻa mau ka manawa kūpono e hana i kahi ala kūpono, e hoʻololi i nā aupuni, e hoʻomaikaʻi i nā pilina. Mai kali i kāu ex-hoa e hana i ka hana mua, e hoʻomaka, no ka mea pinepine, e kali pū kekahi ... Ua pili ka manaʻo o kāu keiki. A no laila ʻo kāu!
Mai holoi i ka makua kāne i wahi no kahi hoa hou
ʻOiai inā i hoʻokaʻawale ʻia ke keiki i hoʻokahi makahiki, hoʻomanaʻo maikaʻi ke pēpē i kona makuakāne a me kona makuahine, ʻaʻole loa e holoi ʻia kona hoʻomanaʻo ʻana iā lākou! He mea hoʻopunipuni i ke keiki, ʻoiai liʻiliʻi loa, ke noi aku iā ia e kāhea i ka makua kāne / makuahine i kona makuakāne makua kāne a i kona makuahōnōwai wahine. Ua mālama ʻia kēia mau ʻōlelo no nā mākua ʻelua, ʻoiai inā ua kaʻawale lāua. Mai kahi moʻo a me ka hiʻohiʻona o ka manaʻo, ʻo ke ʻano o kahi keiki i hana ʻia e kona makuakāne a me kona makuahine mua a ʻaʻole hiki iā mākou ke haʻalele i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo. ʻAʻole mākou e pani i ka makuahine a me ka makuakāne i ke poʻo o kahi keiki, ʻoiai inā noho ka hoa hou i ka hana makua a makuahine paha i kēlā me kēia lā. ʻO ka hopena maikaʻi loa ʻo ke kāhea ʻana iā lākou ma ko lākou mau inoa mua.
E heluhelu: “Ke keiki manuahi a i ʻole ke keiki hostage. Pehea e pale ai i ke keiki ma hope o ke kaʻawale ʻana o nā mākua ”, na Jacques Biolley (ed. The bonds which liberate). "E hoʻomaopopo i ke ao o ke keiki", na Jean Epstein (ed. Dunod).