Aia kekahi manaʻo maʻamau e hahai ana ka hoʻopunipuni i ke ʻano kūlohelohe e loaʻa ai nā hoa he nui, ʻaʻole ke koho manuahi a ke kanaka. He aha ke kumu olaola o ke kumakaia a pehea e pale aku ai? Wahi a ke kumu noʻonoʻo ʻo Kelly Boys.
I ka makahiki 20, hele au i kahi huakaʻi i ʻEulopa, kahi aʻu i hālāwai ai me koʻu aloha pupule. Ma hope o ka huakaʻi, hoʻomaka mākou i kahi pilina ma kahi mamao. Noho au ma Kanada, noho ʻo ia ma Kelemānia. I koʻu mau maka, ikaika a nani ko mākou pilina. ʻAʻole au i kānalua iā lākou no kekona.
Akā i kekahi mau mahina ma hope mai, ua ʻike au ua moe kaʻu kāne kāne me kāna hoaaloha. Ua ʻōlelo ʻo ia ʻaʻole he mea nui iā ia. Ua ʻōlelo ʻo ia ʻo kā mākou pilina ka mea nui i kona ola, a noi ʻo ia e kala ʻia. Ua hoʻoholo wau e noho me ia.
Ua noho pū mākou i ʻehā mau makahiki, ʻaʻole naʻe i ola hou mai ka kumakaia. Ua piha ʻo ia i ka hilahila, ua piha wau i ka hopohopo a me ka hilinaʻi. Ua pōʻino ka pilina. I kekahi manawa ua hele au i kahi pāʻina me ka ʻole o ia a ʻike koke wau e honi ana i kahi kāne aʻu i ʻike ʻole ai. Ua ʻike au ʻaʻole hiki ke hoʻopakele hou ʻia ko kāua pilina.
ʻAʻole wau i manaʻo ua hiki iaʻu ke hana i kēia. Pēlā nō, ʻaʻole wau i manaʻo ua hiki i kaʻu hoa kāne mua ke kipi. ʻO ka moʻolelo o kā mākou pilina ua noʻonoʻo wau: no ke aha mākou e hoʻopunipuni ai i kā mākou mau hoa? A aia kekahi mea e hiki ke hana e pale aku i kēia?
ʻO ka hana hoʻopunipuni, inā paha he honi liʻiliʻi me kahi hoa hana ma kahi pāʻina hui a i ʻole he aloha piha no nā makahiki, ke kumu mai ko mākou wehe ʻana iā mākou iho. ʻO ke kumu o ka pilikia ke noho nei mākou i ka hakakā me nā manaʻo hohonu a me nā manaʻoʻiʻo.
ʻO ke kamaʻilio pololei a me ka kamaʻilio pololei, ʻaʻole like me ka hoʻopunipuni, kūkulu i ka hilinaʻi a me ka pili pili ʻana.
Ma The Blind Spot Effect, ke kamaʻilio nei au e pili ana i nā hihia he nui ke ʻike ʻole mākou i nā mea e waiho ana i mua o ko mākou ihu, a, ʻokoʻa, ʻike mākou i nā mea ʻaʻole maoli. He mau makapō ko kākou a pau. Akā hiki iā mākou ke aʻo e ʻike iā lākou a hoʻokaʻawale i kā lākou hopena, ma ke aloha a ma nā wahi ʻē aʻe o ke ola.
Hoʻokaʻawale ʻo Helen Fisher psychologist i ke kaʻina holoʻokoʻa o ke aloha i ʻekolu mau ʻāpana: ʻo ka makemake, ka hoihoi, a me ka pili. 'O ia ho'i, hiki iā mākou ke noho i kahi pilina lō'ihi me ke kanaka ho'okahi (pāku'i), i ka manawa like e ho'omoe i kekahi (passion) a i ka manawa like e hā'ule i ke aloha me ke kolu o ke kanaka (attraction).
Ke hāʻule mākou i ke aloha, ka hou o ko mākou mau lima, ʻulaʻula ko mākou mau papalina, uhi ʻia mākou i ke kuko a me ka hopohopo. I loko o ko mākou kino, hoʻonui ka hana o ka neurotransmitter dopamine a lele ke kiʻekiʻe o ka cortisol, ka hormone stress e kōkua iā mākou e hoʻokō i kēia kūlana. E like me kēia, hāʻule ka hana ʻana o ka serotonin neurotransmitter, ka mea e pāʻani i ke ʻano o kahi stabilizer kūlohelohe kūlohelohe. ʻO ka hopena, ua pau mākou i nā manaʻo hoihoi, nā manaʻolana a me nā hopohopo e pili ana i ka mea o ko mākou makemake.
Eia kekahi, ʻike mākou i ka piʻi ʻana o ka adrenaline a me ka norepinephrine, kahi e hele naʻaupō ai mākou me ke aloha a hoʻopaʻa i ka mea o ka hoʻomana. ʻAʻole ia he mea kupanaha ma waena o kēia ʻino o nā hormones a me nā neurotransmitters, nui ka poʻe o mākou e hana wikiwiki i wehewehe ʻia e nā huaʻōlelo "he makapō ke aloha."
Inā makemake ʻoe e kūkulu i kahi pilina hohonu a mau loa, pono mua ʻoe e hoʻomaopopo a hoʻomaopopo i ka mea e hoʻokele iā ʻoe. Ke hoʻomaopopo ʻoe i ke ʻano o kāu drive, complexes, pono a me nā nāwaliwali, hiki iā ʻoe ke kūkulu i kahi pilina olakino me ʻoe iho. E hoʻomaka ʻoe e haʻi iā ʻoe iho i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo a hoʻolohe i kou leo o loko. Ma kēia hihia wale nō e loaʻa ai iā ʻoe ka manawa e kaʻana like i kou honua i loko o ke kino me kekahi kanaka ʻē aʻe.
Inā pili ʻoe a makemake ʻoe i kekahi kanaka, mai wikiwiki ʻoe e ʻōlelo. Eia nā ʻōlelo aʻoaʻo ʻekolu e kōkua iā ʻoe e hoʻoponopono i kēia kūlana.
1. E hoomanao "e hala no hoi keia"
ʻO kēlā me kēia manaʻo, no ka ikaika, nāwaliwali i ka manawa. ʻOiai inā hopu ʻia ʻoe i kēia manawa, e hoʻāʻo e nānā iā ia mai kahi mamao. E kōkua nā hana noʻonoʻo iā ʻoe me kēia, e aʻo iā ʻoe e ʻike i kāu mau ʻike i ka manawa kūpono a i ka manawa like ʻole e hoʻokolokolo iā lākou.
E nānā ʻoe i nā manaʻo e hele mai a hele ʻole me ka hoʻopaʻa ʻole ʻana iā lākou. Hōʻike ka noiʻi e kōkua nā hana noʻonoʻo iā mākou e hōʻemi i ka hoʻoulu ʻana o ka naʻau a aʻo iā mākou e nānā i ko mākou mau manaʻo mai waho.
2. E kamaʻilio me kahi hoa
ʻO ka haʻi ʻana i kāu hoa pili i kāu leʻaleʻa hou, i ka nānā mua ʻana, he ʻōlelo aʻo weliweli. Akā ma ka wehe ʻana i kou ʻuhane iā ia, hāʻawi ʻoe iā ia i ka manawa e kōkua iā ʻoe. I kekahi manawa ua lawa ka kamaʻilio pololei ʻana e hoʻonāwaliwali i ka hoihoi.
He mea paʻakikī paha iā ʻoe ke noʻonoʻo i kēlā ʻano kamaʻilio. Makaʻu ʻoe e hōʻeha a hōʻino i kāu hoa me ka haʻi like ʻana. Akā ʻo ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻo ke kamaʻilio ʻoiaʻiʻo a me ka kamaʻilio ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻaʻole like me ka hoʻopunipuni, kōkua i ke kūkulu ʻana i ka hilinaʻi a me ka pili ʻana o ka naʻau.
3. E pale i ka hoowalewale
Inā makemake ʻoe e hāʻawi i ka hoʻowalewale, mai hana. Mai hoʻokuʻu i ka helu ʻelua, e kamaʻilio mua me kāu hoa. Pono mua kēia no ʻoe, i ʻole e nalowale i kou kūpaʻa a ʻaʻole e nalowale i ka nānā ʻana i ke kūlana.
ʻOiai inā e hōʻailona kēia kamaʻilio ʻana i ka hopena o kāu pilina, e hoʻopau ʻoe me ka ʻoiaʻiʻo me ka hoʻopunipuni ʻole iā ʻoe iho. Eia kekahi, hiki i ke kamaʻilio puʻuwai ʻoiaʻiʻo, ma ke ʻano, e hoʻā i ka lapalapa i loko o kāu pilina, me he mea lā, ua pio lōʻihi.
Inā makemake ʻoe e kūkulu i nā pilina hauʻoli a olakino me nā poʻe āu e aloha ai, he mea nui e ʻimi i kou mau makapō a hoʻomaopopo i ko lākou hopena iā ʻoe. Aia wale ʻoe i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo iā ʻoe iho hiki iā ʻoe ke hana i nā pilina hohonu a ikaika me nā poʻe ʻē aʻe.
No ka mea kākau: ʻO Kelly Boys kahi mea hoʻomaʻamaʻa noʻonoʻo no nā limahana UN a me ka mea kākau o The Blind Spot Effect. Pehea e hoʻomaka ai e ʻike i ka mea e moe ana i mua o kou ihu.