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Hiki ke lilo i makuahine maikaʻi inā loaʻa iā ʻoe kahi makuahine ʻona
Ua hānau koʻu makuahine iaʻu, ʻo ia wale nō ka makana āna i hāʻawi mai ai iaʻu akā ʻo wau kahi makana ! Noʻu, he makuahine ʻole ʻo ia, no ka mea, ua hānai ʻo ia iaʻu me ka ʻole o ke aloha a me ke aloha ʻole. Ua kānalua wau no ka manawa lōʻihi no ka loaʻa ʻana o kahi pēpē, ma muli o ka makuahine weliweli i loaʻa iaʻu, manaʻo wau ua nele wau i ka manaʻo makuahine ke hoʻohālikelike ʻia me nā wahine ʻē aʻe. ʻOi aku ka holomua o koʻu hāpai ʻana, ʻoi aku ka nui o koʻu kaumaha. Pili, honi, lullabies, ili i ka ili, puuwai i piha i ke aloha, ua ike au i keia hauoli me Paloma, kuu kaikamahine, a weliweli loa. ʻOi aku koʻu minamina i ka loaʻa ʻole o ke aloha makuahine iaʻu i koʻu wā kamaliʻi, akā ke hoʻoponopono nei au. ʻO ʻElodie kekahi o kēlā mau makuahine ʻōpio ʻaʻole i loaʻa ka manawa e loaʻa ai kahi makuahine mālama, he makuahine maikaʻi loa, e like me ka ʻōlelo a ka pediatrician Winnicott a ʻo ia hoʻi, e noʻonoʻo nei inā e kūleʻa lākou i ka maikaʻi. makuahine. E like me ka wehewehe ʻana o ke kauka psychiatrist ʻo Liliane Daligan *: “Hiki i ka makuahine ke hāʻule i nā pae he nui. Ua kaumaha paha ʻo ia a ʻaʻole hoʻi e ola i kāna keiki. Hiki ke hōʻino kino a / a i ʻole ka hoʻomāinoino kino. I kēia hihia, hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻia ke keiki, hōʻino ʻia a hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻia. Hiki iā ia ke hoʻokaʻawale loa. ʻAʻole loaʻa i ke keiki kekahi hōʻike o ka palupalu, no laila ke kamaʻilio nei mākou no kahi keiki "bonsai" pilikia ka ulu ʻana a hōʻiliʻili i nā lohi ulu. ʻAʻole maʻalahi ka hoʻomohala ʻana iā ʻoe iho i loko o kahi makuahine hoʻokō a i kou kuleana ma ke ʻano he makuahine ke loaʻa ʻole iā ʻoe kahi kumu hoʻohālike makuahine maikaʻi e ʻike ai a e kuhikuhi ai.
E lilo i makuahine hemolele i loaa ole ia makou
ʻO kēia hopohopo, kēia hopohopo no ka hiki ʻole i ka hana, ʻaʻole ia e hōʻike iā ia iho ma mua o ka hoʻoholo ʻana e hāpai i ka pēpē a i kona wā hāpai. E like me kā Brigitte Allain-Dupré ** i hoʻokūpaʻa ai: " Ke komo ka wahine i kahi papahana ʻohana, pale ʻia ʻo ia e kahi ʻano amnesia, poina iā ia he pilina maikaʻi ʻole ʻo ia me kona makuahine, ʻoi aku ka nānā ʻana o kona maka i ka wā e hiki mai ana ma mua o ka wā i hala. ʻO kāna moʻolelo paʻakikī me ka makuahine hemahema e puka hou mai i ka wā e kokoke ana ke pēpē. “ʻOiaʻiʻo ka mea i loaʻa iā ʻElodie, makuahine o Anselme, 10 mahina:” Ua manaʻo wau ua hewa kekahi mea iā Anselme. Ke waiho nei au iaʻu iho ma lalo o ke kaomi hiki ʻole, no ka mea, ua ʻōlelo mau wau iaʻu iho e lilo wau i makuahine hoʻohewa ʻole ʻia ʻaʻole iaʻu! He kaikamahine pāʻina koʻu makuahine i hele i nā manawa a pau a haʻalele pinepine iā mākou me koʻu kaikaina a me aʻu. Ua ʻeha nui au a makemake au e hemolele nā mea a pau no kaʻu ipo. Akā, uē nui ʻo Anselm, ʻaʻole ʻai, ʻaʻole hiamoe maikaʻi. Ua like wau me he mea lā ma lalo o nā mea a pau! ʻO nā wāhine i loaʻa ka makuahine hāʻule pinepine me ka noʻonoʻo a me ka noʻonoʻo ʻole e lawe i ka misionari o ka makuahine kūpono. Wahi a Brigitte Allain-Dupré: "ʻO ka ʻimi ʻana i ka hemolele he ala e hoʻoponopono ai, e hoʻōla ai i loko o ka ʻeha ma ke ʻano he makuahine. 'Ōlelo lākou iā lākou iho he mea kupanaha nā mea a pau, a ʻo ka hoʻi ʻana i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo (nā pō hiamoe ʻole, ka luhi, nā kiko kikoʻī, ka uē ʻana, ka libido me ka wahine ʻaʻole ma luna ...) he ʻeha. ʻIke lākou ʻaʻole hiki ke hemolele a hewa no ka hoʻohālikelike ʻole i kā lākou hoʻopunipuni. ʻO ka paʻakikī o ka hānai ʻana a i ʻole ka makemake kūpono e hānai i kāna pēpē i mea e hōʻike ai ʻaʻole hiki iā lākou ke ʻike i ko lākou wahi ma ke ʻano he makuahine! ʻAʻole lākou e lawe i ke kuleana no kā lākou koho, akā ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka ʻōmole i hāʻawi ʻia me ka leʻaleʻa ma mua o ka umauma i hāʻawi ʻia "no ka mea pono" a inā ʻoi aku ka hōʻoluʻolu o ka makuahine ma ka hāʻawi ʻana i ka ʻōmole, e paʻakikī. maikaʻi i kāna pēpē liʻiliʻi. Ua ʻike like ʻo Liliane Daligan psychiatrist: "ʻO nā wahine i loaʻa ka makuahine hemahema, ʻoi aku ka koi ʻana iā lākou iho ma mua o nā poʻe ʻē aʻe no ka mea makemake lākou e hana kūʻē i ko lākou makuahine he" anti-model "! Hoʻopau lākou iā lākou iho i ka hoʻāʻo ʻana e lilo i makuahine maikaʻi no kahi keiki maikaʻi, hoʻonoho lākou i ka pae kiʻekiʻe. ʻAʻole lawa ka maʻemaʻe o kā lākou keiki, hauʻoli, lawa ka naʻauao, manaʻo lākou i ke kuleana o nā mea āpau. ʻAʻole hiki ke keiki ma luna, he pōʻino, a na lākou wale nō ka hewa. “
ʻO kahi pilikia o ke kaumaha postpartum
ʻO kēlā me kēia makuahine ʻōpio i hoʻomaka e hālāwai me nā pilikia, akā ʻo ka poʻe nele i ka mālama ʻana i ka manaʻo makuahine, ʻaʻole wikiwiki lākou. No ka mea, ʻaʻole idyllic nā mea a pau, ua manaʻo lākou ua hewa lākou, ʻaʻole i hana ʻia no ka makuahine. No ka mea ʻaʻole maikaʻi nā mea a pau, lilo nā mea āpau i mea maikaʻi ʻole, a ke kaumaha nei lākou. I ka wā e kaumaha ai ka makuahine, pono ʻo ia e noho me kona hilahila, e kamaʻilio e pili ana i kona mau pilikia i ka poʻe kokoke iā ia, i ka makua kāne o ke pēpē, a inā ʻaʻole hiki iā ia, i nā kahu hānai. ʻO ka PMI kahi e hilinaʻi ai, i kahi palekeiki, i kāna kauka hele, i kāna pediatrician a i ʻole ka emi ʻana, no ka mea hiki ke loaʻa i ke kaumaha postpartum nā hopena koʻikoʻi no ka pēpē inā ʻaʻole mālama koke ʻia. Ke lilo ka wahine i makuahine, ʻo kona pilina paʻakikī me kona makuahine ponoʻī e hoʻi hou i luna, hoʻomanaʻo ʻo ia i nā hana pono ʻole āpau, ka lokoino, ka hoʻohewa ʻana, ka manaʻo ʻole, ke anuanu… E like me kā Brigitte Allain-Dupré i hoʻokūpaʻa ai: "Maikaʻi ka Psychotherapy i hiki ke hoʻomaopopo Ua pili ka hana hoʻomāinoino a ka makuahine i kāna moʻolelo, ʻaʻole ia no lākou, ʻaʻole no ka maikaʻi ʻole o ke aloha ʻia. Hoʻomaopopo pū nā makuahine ʻōpio ʻaʻole i hōʻike ʻia ka pilina makuahine / pēpē, liʻiliʻi ka maʻalahi a ʻoi aku ka lōʻihi o nā hanauna i hala, he "hana" nā makuahine, ʻo ia hoʻi ua hānai a hānai iā lākou. mālama, akā i kekahi manawa "ʻaʻole i laila ka puʻuwai". Ua ʻike pū kekahi poʻe aia ko lākou makuahine i ke kaumaha postpartum a ʻaʻohe mea i ʻike, no ka mea ʻaʻole i kūkākūkā ʻia ia manawa. ʻO kēia hoʻokomo ʻana i ke kuanaʻike e hiki ai ke hoʻokaʻawale i nā pilina maikaʻi ʻole me kona makuahine ponoʻī a e ʻae i ka ambivalence, ʻo ia hoʻi ka ʻoiaʻiʻo he maikaʻi a me ka hewa i loko o kēlā me kēia kanaka, a me lākou iho. Hiki iā lākou ke ʻōlelo iā lākou iho: " Hoʻohauʻoli iaʻu i ka loaʻa ʻana o kahi keiki, akā ʻaʻole e ʻakaʻaka ke kumukūʻai e uku i kēlā me kēia lā, e loaʻa ana ka maikaʻi a me ka maikaʻi ʻole, e like me nā makuahine āpau o ka honua. “
ʻO ka makaʻu o ka hana hou ʻana i ka mea a mākou i noho ai
Ma waho aʻe o ka makaʻu ʻaʻole e hōʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻo ka hopohopo ʻē aʻe e hōʻeha i nā makuahine ʻo ia ka hana hou ʻana me kā lākou pēpē i ka mea a lākou i ʻeha ai i ko lākou makuahine i ko lākou wā kamaliʻi. ʻO Marine, no ka laʻana, ua loaʻa kēia huhū i kona hānau ʻana iā Evariste. “He keiki hānai au. Ua haʻalele koʻu makuahine ola iaʻu a makaʻu loa wau e hana like, e lilo i makuahine "haʻalele". ʻO ka mea i hoʻopakele iaʻu, ua maopopo iaʻu ua haʻalele ʻo ia iaʻu, ʻaʻole no ka maikaʻi ʻole oʻu, akā no ka hiki ʻole iā ia ke hana i kahi ʻē aʻe. "Mai ka manawa a mākou e nīnau ai iā mākou iho i ka pilikia o ka hoʻihoʻi ʻana i ke ʻano like, he hōʻailona maikaʻi ia a hiki iā mākou ke makaʻala loa. ʻOi aku ka paʻakikī ke hoʻihoʻi ʻia nā ʻano makuahine ʻino - ʻo ka paʻi ʻana - a i ʻole nā hōʻino makuahine me ka ʻole o kekahi, ke hoʻohiki mau mākou iā mākou iho ʻaʻole mākou e hana e like me ko mākou makuahine! Inā pēlā, ʻo ka mea mua e hana ai, ʻo ia ke kala aku i kāu keiki: “E kala mai iaʻu, ua pakele kekahi mea iaʻu, ʻaʻole oʻu makemake e hōʻeha iā ʻoe, ʻaʻole oʻu makemake e haʻi aku iā ʻoe!” “. A no ka pale ʻana i kēia hana hou ʻana, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka hele ʻana e kamaʻilio me kahi shrink.
Wahi a Liliane Daligan: “He mea kōkua nui nō hoʻi ka hoa no ka makuahine e hopohopo nei i ka hele ʻana i ka hana. Inā he ʻoluʻolu, aloha, hōʻoluʻolu, inā mahalo ʻo ia iā ia i kāna kuleana ma ke ʻano he makuahine, kōkua ʻo ia i ka makuahine ʻōpio e kūkulu i kekahi kiʻi nona iho. A laila hiki iā ia ke ʻae i ka neʻe ʻana o ka hānai me ka "ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke hoʻomanawanui hou! ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke lawe hou i kēia keiki! ” e ola nā makuahine a pau. ” Mai makaʻu e nīnau i ka makuakāne mai ka hānau ʻana mai, he ala ia e haʻi aku ai iā ia : “Ua hana māua i kēia keiki, ʻaʻohe nui o māua e mālama i ka pēpē a ke hilinaʻi nei au iā ʻoe e kākoʻo mai iaʻu i koʻu kūlana makuahine. A ke hoʻolilo ʻo ia iā ia iho me kāna keiki, ʻaʻole pono e noho ma nā wahi āpau, e ʻae iā ia e mālama i kāna keiki liʻiliʻi ma kāna ʻano ponoʻī.
Mai kānalua i ke kōkua
Maikaʻi ke noi ʻana i ka makua kāne o kāu pēpē no ke kākoʻo, akā aia kekahi mau mea hiki. Hiki i ka yoga, ka hoʻomaha, ka noʻonoʻo noʻonoʻo ke kōkua i ka makuahine e hakakā nei e ʻimi i kona wahi. E like me ka wehewehe ʻana o Brigitte Allain-Dupré: "ʻO kēia mau hana e ʻae iā mākou e kūkulu hou i loko o mākou iho i kahi ākea o kā mākou iho, kahi e ʻike ai mākou i ka palekana, ka maluhia, ka palekana mai nā trauma o ka wā kamaliʻi, e like me kahi niu ʻoluʻolu a paʻa, i ka wā i ʻole ai kona makuahine. Hiki i nā wahine ke hopohopo nei no ka noho leo ʻole ke huli i ka hypnosis a i ʻole kekahi mau manawa i kahi kūkākūkā makuahine / pēpē. "Juliette, ua hilinaʻi ʻo ia i nā makuahine ʻē aʻe o ka nursery makua kahi āna i hoʻopaʻa inoa ai i kāna kaikamahine ʻo Dahlia:" He makuahine bipolar koʻu a ʻaʻole maopopo iaʻu pehea e hana ai me Dahlia. Ua nānā au i nā makuahine o nā pēpē ʻē aʻe i loko o ka nursery, ua lilo mākou i hoaaloha, ua kamaʻilio nui mākou a ua huki wau i nā ala maikaʻi o ka hana ʻana i nā mea i kūpono iaʻu i kēlā me kēia. Ua hana wau i kaʻu mākeke! A ʻo ka puke a Delphine de Vigan "ʻAʻohe mea e kū i ke ala o ka pō" ma kona makuahine bipolar i kōkua iaʻu e hoʻomaopopo i koʻu makuahine ponoʻī, kona maʻi, a kala aku. ʻO ka hoʻomaopopo ʻana i kou makuahine ponoʻī, me ka kala ʻana i kāna mea i hana ai i ka wā ma mua, he ala maikaʻi ia e hoʻokaʻawale iā ʻoe iho a lilo i makuahine "maikaʻi" āu e makemake ai. Akā, e neʻe anei mākou mai kēia makuahine ʻona i kēia manawa, a i ʻole e hoʻokokoke aku iā ia? Paipai ʻo Liliane Daligan i ka ʻōlelo makaʻala: “ʻAʻole i like ka pōʻino o ke kupuna wahine e like me kona makuahine, ʻo ia he “makuahine hiki ke loaʻa i ka wā he makuahine hiki ʻole ke hana. Akā, inā makaʻu ʻoe iā ia, inā manaʻo ʻoe he invasive loa ʻo ia, koʻikoʻi loa, ʻoi aku ka mana, a me ka hana ʻino, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka hoʻokaʻawale iā ʻoe iho a ʻaʻole e hāʻawi i kāu pēpē iā ia inā ʻaʻole ʻoe. “Eia hou, he mea nui ka hana a ka hoa, na ia no e kaawale aku i ke kupunawahine onaona, e olelo aku:” Aia oe ma ko’u wahi maanei, aole he kaikamahine nau kau kaikamahine, aka, o ka makuahine o ka maua keiki. . E hoʻokiʻekiʻe ʻo ia e like me kona makemake! “
* Ka mea kākau o "Feminine violence", ed. Albin Michel. ** Ka mea kākau o "Cure of his mother", ed. Eyrolles.