ʻO ka manawa hope ʻoe a me kāu hoa i ʻakaʻaka ai ʻole naʻaupō ai? I ko māua ʻolua ʻana i ka kowali, hele i ka ua a puni ke kūlanakauhale i ka pō? Inā ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻomanaʻo, a laila hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻohana i kahi mea hoʻohiwahiwa o ka hauʻoli a me ke kolohe. Ua ʻōlelo ka loea male ʻo John Gottman he mea maʻalahi: Noho pū nā kāne pāʻani pū.
I kou hoʻomaka ʻana i ka launa pū ʻana, ʻaʻole paha ʻoe i hoʻokaʻawale i ka manawa no ka hoʻohenehene, kahaha, a me nā hana ʻakaʻaka. ʻO kēlā me kēia lā he huakaʻi hou a hoihoi. “Ua kūkulu ʻoe i nā pilina a me ke aloha ma ke kahua o ka pāʻani. A ʻaʻohe kumu e hoʻōki ai i ka hana ʻana i ka wā e luʻu ai ʻoe i kahi pilina "koʻikoʻi" a lōʻihi paha," wahi a ka haku o ka psychology ʻohana ʻo John Gottman ma ka puke hou "8 Important Dates".
He leʻaleʻa, leʻaleʻa, haʻahaʻa ka pāʻani. A ... no kēia kumu mākou e hoʻokau pinepine ai iā ia i ka hopena o ka papa inoa o nā hana koʻikoʻi o ka hale - ʻoluʻolu, monotonous, akā koi. ʻAʻole ia he mea kupanaha i ka hala ʻana o ka manawa, hoʻomaka ka ʻohana e ʻike ʻia e mākou ma ke ʻano he mea maʻamau, he ukana kaumaha mākou e kau ai ma luna o ko mākou poʻohiwi.
Kaʻana like ʻana i nā leʻaleʻa a me nā pāʻani e hoʻokumu i ka hilinaʻi, ka pilina a me ka pilina hohonu
No ka hoʻololi ʻana i kēia ʻano, pono e noʻonoʻo a hoʻolālā mua ʻia nā leʻaleʻa hoihoi i nā mea ʻelua, inā he pāʻani tennis a haʻiʻōlelo paha i ka mōʻaukala o ka hale kiʻiʻoniʻoni. Wahi a ka Marriage and Family Research Center, ʻo ka pilina ma waena o ka leʻaleʻa a me ka hauʻoli o ke kāne he kiʻekiʻe a hōʻike. ʻOi aku ka nui o kāu hoʻolilo ʻana i ka leʻaleʻa, ka pilina, a me ka mālama ʻana i kāu hoa, ʻoi aku ka hauʻoli o kou pilina i ka manawa.
ʻO ka leʻaleʻa a pāʻani pū (ʻelua, ʻaʻohe kelepona, ʻaʻohe keiki!) kūkulu i ka hilinaʻi, ka pilina, a me ka pilina hohonu. Inā ʻoe e holo paragliding, hele wāwae, a pāʻani paha i ka pāʻani papa, kaʻana like ʻoe i kahi pahuhopu maʻamau, hui pū a leʻaleʻa, e hoʻoikaika ai i kou pilina.
E ʻimi no ke kuʻikahi
ʻO ka pono no ka huakaʻi he ākea, akā ʻimi mākou i ka mea hou ma nā ʻano he nui. A ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo he ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o kekahi ma mua o kekahi. ʻOi aku ka hoʻomanawanui ʻana o kekahi poʻe i ka pōʻino, pono lākou i nā hana ʻoi loa a i ʻole nā pilikia e loaʻa ai nā pae like o ka dopamine i loaʻa i nā poʻe ʻē aʻe mai ka liʻiliʻi loa.
Inā he manaʻo like ʻole kāu a me kāu hoa e pili ana i ka mea i manaʻo ʻia he leʻaleʻa a me ka hoʻokalakupua, ʻaʻole maikaʻi. E ʻimi i nā wahi āu e like ai, e ʻike i kahi āu e ʻokoʻa ai, a e ʻimi i ke kumu like.
Hiki i nā mea āpau ke lilo i mea hoʻokalakupua, ʻoiai ʻo ia e hoʻokuke i ke kanaka mai ko lākou wahi hōʻoluʻolu.
No kekahi mau kāne, he mea hoʻokalakupua ka lawe ʻana i kahi papa kuke inā ʻaʻole lākou i kuke i ko lākou ola. A i ʻole e kiʻi i ka pena, inā ʻo ka mea wale nō a lākou i pena ai i ko lākou ola holoʻokoʻa he "lāʻau, lāʻau, kukama." ʻAʻole pono ka huakaʻi ma luna o kahi mauna mamao a i ʻole e hoʻoweliweli i ke ola. ʻO ka ʻimi ʻana i ka huakaʻi, ʻo ia hoʻi, ka hoʻoikaika ʻana i ka mea hou a me ka mea maʻamau.
Hiki i nā mea āpau ke lilo i mea hoʻokalakupua, ʻoiai e hoʻokuke ana i ke kanaka mai kona wahi hōʻoluʻolu, e hoʻopiha iā ia me ka hauʻoli dopamine.
No ka lealea
Mai ka papa inoa o nā pāʻani a me nā leʻaleʻa no ʻelua, i hōʻuluʻulu ʻia e John Gottman, ua koho mākou i 30. E kaha i nā mea kiʻekiʻe ʻekolu ma waena o lākou a i ʻole e hana i kāu ponoʻī. E lilo lākou i wahi hoʻomaka no kāu mau makahiki he nui o nā huakaʻi hui. No laila hiki iā ʻoe ke:
- E hele i ka holoholo a i ʻole ka hele wāwae lōʻihi i kahi a lāua e makemake ai e kipa.
- E pāʻani i kahi papa a i ʻole pāʻani kāleka pū.
- E koho a ho'āʻo pū i kahi pāʻani wikiō hou.
- E hoʻomākaukau i kahi kīʻaha e like me kahi meaʻai hou; hiki iā ʻoe ke kono i kāu mau hoaaloha e ʻono iā ia.
- Pāʻani kinipōpō.
- E hoʻomaka e aʻo pū i kahi ʻōlelo hou (ma ka liʻiliʻi o ʻelua mau ʻōlelo).
- No ke kiʻi ʻana i ka leo haole ma ka haʻiʻōlelo, e hana ana ... ʻae, kekahi mea!
- E hele kaʻa kaʻa a hoʻolimalima i kahi tandem.
- E aʻo pū i kahi haʻuki hou (e laʻa me ka piʻi pōhaku) a i ʻole e hele i kahi huakaʻi waʻa/kaʻa kaʻa.
- E hele pū i nā papa hana improvisation, hana, hīmeni a tango paha.
- E heluhelu pū i ka hōʻiliʻili mele a kahi haku mele hou no ʻoe.
- E hele i kahi ʻaha mele ola.
- E kūʻai i nā tiketi i kāu mau hanana haʻuki punahele a hauʻoli pū i nā mea komo.
• E hoʻopaʻa i kahi hoʻomaʻamaʻa spa a hauʻoli pū me ka ʻauʻau wela a i ʻole ka sauna
- E hoʻokani like i nā mea kani like ʻole.
- E pāʻani i ka mākaʻikaʻi ma ka hale kūʻai a i ʻole ka hele wāwae a puni ke kūlanakauhale.
- E hele i ka huakaʻi a hoʻāʻo i ka waina, ka pia, ke kokoleka a i ʻole ka ice cream.
- E haʻi i kekahi i nā moʻolelo e pili ana i nā ʻāpana hilahila a ʻakaʻaka paha o kou ola.
- Lele ma ka trampoline.
- E hele i kahi paka panda a i ʻole kekahi paka kumuhana ʻē aʻe.
- E pāʻani pū i ka wai: ʻauʻau, ski wai, heʻenalu, yacht.
- E hoʻolālā i kahi lā maʻamau: e hui i kahi, e hoʻohālike e ʻike ʻoe kekahi i kekahi no ka manawa mua. Flirt a ho'āʻo e hoʻopunipuni kekahi i kekahi.
- E kahakiʻi pū - i ka wai kala, penikala a i ʻole ka aila.
- E hele i ka papa haku ma kekahi mau hana lima e pili ana i ka humuhumu, hana lima, hana laau a ma ka huila potera.
- E hoʻolei i kahi pāʻina impromptu a kono i nā mea a pau e hiki ke hele mai i laila.
- E aʻo i ka lomilomi kāne.
- E kākau kekahi i kekahi i leka aloha me ka lima hema (inā he lima hema kekahi o ʻoukou, a laila me ka lima ʻākau).
- E hele i nā papa kuke.
- Lele mai ka bungee.
- Hana i kahi mea āu i makemake mau ai e hana akā makaʻu e hoʻāʻo.
E heluhelu hou aʻe ma John Gottman's 8 mau lā koʻikoʻi. Pehea e hana ai i nā pilina no ke ola" (Audrey, Eksmo, 2019).
E pili ana i ka loea: ʻO John Gottman he mea lapaʻau ʻohana, ka luna o ka Relationship Research Institute (RRI), a me ka mea kākau o nā puke kūʻai maikaʻi loa e pili ana i nā pilina kāne.