Pehea e kōkua ai i kāu keiki e ʻimi i nā hoaaloha a mālama i ka pilina me lākou

Pehea e hiki ai i nā mākua ke kōkua i kā lākou mau keiki i mau hoaaloha a mālama i ka pilina? Kūkākūkā ʻoihana a me ka loea hoʻonaʻauao ʻo Marty Nemko e kamaʻilio e pili ana i kēia.

Nīnau nīnau

Mai kaupalena iā ʻoe iho i hoʻokahi mea: "He aha kāu i hana ai ma ke kula i kēia lā?" Hāʻawi pinepine nā keiki i ka pane iā ia: "ʻAe, ʻaʻohe mea."

E ho'āʻo e nīnau i nā nīnau e like me, "He aha kāu makemake nui e pili ana i ke kula i kēia lā? He aha kāu makemake ʻole?" E nīnau maʻamau: "ʻO wai kāu makemake e kamaʻilio nui me?" A laila, me ka hoʻohuli ʻole ʻana i ke kamaʻilio ʻana i mea nīnau, e hoʻāʻo e ʻimi i kahi mea e pili ana i kēia hoaaloha a i ʻole ka hoaaloha: "No ke aha ʻoe e makemake ai e kamaʻilio pū me ia?" Inā makemake ʻoe i ka pane, e manaʻo: "No ke aha ʻoe e kono ʻole ai iā Max i ko mākou hale a i ʻole e hele pū me ia ma hope o ka papa a i nā hopena pule paha?"

Inā ʻōlelo kāu keiki ʻo kāna mea makemake loa e pili ana i kahi hoaaloha hou ʻo ia ka "ʻoluʻolu", e hoʻāʻo e noʻonoʻo i ke ʻano o ia huaʻōlelo. Hoalohaloha? He maʻalahi ke kamaʻilio me ia? Makemake e hana like me kāu keiki? A i ʻole, ua hoʻolei ʻo ia i kahi pahu ahi i kahi ʻeke?

Inā ua hoaloha kāu keiki me kekahi mea āu i makemake ai akā ʻaʻole i ʻōlelo ʻia i kekahi manawa, e nīnau, “Pehea ʻo Max? ʻAʻole ʻoe i kamaʻilio e pili ana iā ia no ka manawa lōʻihi a ʻaʻole i kono iā ʻoe e kipa. Ke kamaʻilio nei ʻoe?” I kekahi manawa pono nā keiki i kahi hoʻomanaʻo.

A inā hakakā lākou, hiki iā mākou ke noʻonoʻo pū i ke ʻano o ka maluhia. No ka laʻana, inā ʻōlelo kāu keiki i kahi mea ʻeha iā Max, hiki iā ʻoe ke kono iā ia e kala mai.

Inā ʻaʻohe hoaaloha o ke keiki

Makemake kekahi mau keiki e hoʻolimalima i ka hapa nui o ko lākou manawa kūʻokoʻa me ka hoʻokahi wale nō—ka heluhelu, ka nānā ʻana i ka TV, ka hoʻolohe ʻana i ke mele, ke kī kīkā, ka pāʻani ʻana i nā pāʻani kamepiula, a i ʻole ke nānā ʻana i ka pukaaniani. ʻO ke koʻikoʻi o nā mākua makemake lākou e kamaʻilio hou aku ke kumu e kūʻē ai ia mau keiki.

Akā inā manaʻo ʻoe e makemake mau ana kāu keiki e hoaaloha, e nīnau iā ia e pili ana. He pololei ka pane? E nīnau ʻo wai ʻo ia e makemake ai e hoaaloha: malia paha he hoalauna, hoa papa, a he keiki paha lākou e hele pū ai i ka pōʻai ma hope o ke kula. E kono i kāu keiki e kono i ke keikikāne a i ʻole ke kaikamahine i ka home a i ʻole e hana like i kekahi mea, e like me ka pāʻani i ka wā hoʻomaha.

Kaʻana like ʻo Marty Nemko: i kona wā liʻiliʻi, hoʻokahi wale nō kāna hoaaloha pili (ʻoiai ʻaʻole lākou, ma hope o 63 mau makahiki, nā hoaaloha maikaʻi loa). ʻAʻole hāʻawi aku nā keiki ʻē aʻe iā ia e pāʻani pū a ʻaʻole i kono iā ia e kipa.

Ua ʻike ʻo ia ma hope mai, ma ka liʻiliʻi paha, ma muli o kona makemake e hōʻike i kona ʻike - no ka laʻana, hoʻoponopono luhi ʻole i nā keiki ʻē aʻe. Manaʻo ʻo ia e nānā nui kona mau mākua i kāna hana ʻana me kāna mau hoa. Inā maopopo iā ia ke ʻano o ka pilikia, e emi ana kona hopohopo.

E wehe a aloha i nā hoaaloha o kāu keiki

Hoʻomaopopo ka hapa nui o nā keiki i ke ʻano o ka hoʻokipa ʻia ʻana iā lākou ma kahi hale ʻē. Inā hele mai kahi hoaaloha i kāu keiki kāne a kaikamahine paha, e launa me ka wehe. E aloha aku iā ia, e hāʻawi i mea e ʻai ai.

Akā inā ʻaʻohe kumu e hopohopo ai, mai hoʻopilikia i nā keiki e kamaʻilio. Pono ka hapa nui o nā keiki i kahi pilikino. I ka manawa like, mai makaʻu e kono i nā keiki e hana pū i kekahi mea - kahi mea e kālua ai, e kaha kiʻi ai a hoʻolālā paha, a i ʻole e hele i ka hale kūʻai.

I ka manawa e ʻike maikaʻi ai nā keiki i kekahi i kekahi, e kono aku i ka hoaaloha o kāu keiki e noho ma kou wahi a i ʻole e hui pū me kāu huakaʻi hoʻomaha.

aloha opio

Paʻakikī pinepine nā mākua i ka wā e aloha ai kā lākou mau keiki no ka manawa mua, e hoʻomaka i ka launa pū me kekahi a loaʻa kā lākou ʻike moe kolohe mua. E hāmama i hiki i kāu keiki ke kamaʻilio me ʻoe. Akā, mai hūnā i kou manaʻo inā manaʻo ʻoe ua hiki ke hōʻeha iā ia i ka mea a kāu keiki i aloha ai.

Mai makaʻu e nīnau i nā nīnau: “Ua kamaʻilio nui ʻoe no Lena i kēia mau lā. Pehea ʻoe a me kāna hana?"

He aha kāu e hana ai me nā hoaaloha o kāu mau keiki āu i makemake ʻole ai?

Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe makemake i kekahi o nā hoaaloha o kāu keiki. Malia paha ʻaʻole ʻo ia i ke kula, lawe lāʻau lapaʻau, a paipai paha i kāu keiki kāne a kaikamahine paha e kipi i nā kumu no ke kumu ʻole. ʻOiaʻiʻo, makemake ʻoe e hoʻōki i ke kamaʻilio ʻana me ia hoa.

ʻOiaʻiʻo, ʻaʻohe mea hōʻoia e hoʻolohe ke keiki iā ʻoe a ʻaʻole e kamaʻilio malū me kēia hoaaloha. Eia naʻe, e ʻōlelo paʻa: "Ke hilinaʻi nei au iā ʻoe, akā hopohopo wau iā Vlad a ke noi aku nei au iā ʻoe e hoʻōki i ke kamaʻilio ʻana me ia. Maopopo iā ʻoe ke kumu?"

ʻOi aku ka hopena o nā hoa i nā keiki ma mua o nā mākua. Ua hana ʻia kēia hopena e ka mea kākau o ka puke "No ke aha e huli ai nā keiki i ke ʻano o lākou?" (The Nurture Assumption: No ke aha e huli ai nā keiki i ke ala a lākou e hana ai?) na Judith Rich Harris. No laila, he mea nui ka koho ʻana i nā hoaaloha.

Auwe, ʻaʻohe ʻatikala hiki ke loaʻa nā nuances āpau o nā kūlana āpau āu e hālāwai ai i ke ola. Akā ʻo ka ʻōlelo aʻo a Marty Nemko hiki ke kōkua iā ʻoe e kākoʻo i kāu mau keiki ma ka launa pū me nā poʻe āu e makemake ai.