ʻO ka naʻauao o ka naʻau o ke kāne ke kī i ka male mau

Ua alakaʻi kekahi pūʻulu ʻepekema mai ke Kulanui o Wakinekona, alakaʻi ʻia e John Gottman, i kahi noiʻi lōʻihi o nā pilina ʻohana ma ke ʻano o 130 mau kāne, e nānā ana iā lākou no 6 mau makahiki mai ka manawa o ka male. Ka hopena: ʻoi aku ka ikaika o nā kāne i hui ai nā kāne me kā lākou wahine.

E noʻonoʻo i kahi kāne male: ʻo Maria lāua ʻo Victor. Ma nā hua'ōlelo, uaʻaeʻo Victor i ke kaulike ke kī i ka hauʻoli a lōʻihi o ka maleʻana, akā,ʻo kāna mau hana e hōʻike ana i kaʻaoʻao'ē aʻe.

Victor: E hele ana māua me koʻu mau hoa i ka lawaiʻa. E haʻalele ana mākou i kēia pō.

Maria: Akā e hele mai koʻu mau hoa e kipa mai iaʻu i ka lā ʻapōpō. Ua hoʻohiki ʻoe e kōkua i ka hoʻomaʻemaʻe. Ua poina anei ʻoe? ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke haʻalele i ke kakahiaka ʻapōpō?

Victor: Poina ʻoe i ka lawaiʻa! ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke haʻalele i ka lā ʻapōpō. E haʻalele ana mākou i kekahi mau hola.

Huhū ʻo Maria. Kāhea ʻo ia iā Victor a lele i waho o ka lumi. Ua kaumaha ʻo Victor, ninini ʻo ia i ka whisky a huli i ka pôpeku. Ua hoʻi ʻo Maria e kamaʻilio, akā ʻaʻole ʻike ʻo Victor iā ia. Hoʻomaka ʻo Mary e uē. 'Ōleloʻo Victor ponoʻo ia e hele i ka hale kaʻa a haʻalele. Hoʻopiha ʻia kēlā mau hakakā me nā hoʻopiʻi like ʻole, no laila paʻakikī ke ʻimi i ke kumu nui. Akā hoʻokahi mea maopopo: ʻaʻole makemake ʻo Victor e hana i nā ʻae.

ʻO ka makemake ʻole e ʻae

I ka male ʻana, aia nā hoʻopiʻi, ka huhū o ka huhū, ka hoʻohewa like ʻana. Akā inā ʻaʻole hoʻāʻo nā hoa kāne e hoʻoponopono i ka hakakā, akā e hoʻāla wale iā ia, e pane ana kekahi i kekahi me ka maikaʻi ʻole no ka maikaʻi ʻole, ua pilikia ka male. Hoʻomaopopo ʻo John Gottman: 65% o nā kāne e hoʻonāukiuki wale i ka hakakā i ka wā o ka hakakā.

Hōʻike ka pane a Victor ʻaʻole ʻo ia e lohe i nā ʻōlelo a Maria. Akā, lawe ʻo ia i kahi kūlana pale a hoʻopiʻi kūʻē: pehea lā ʻo ia e poina ai i kāna mau hoʻolālā. ʻO ka hoʻohewa, ka hana pale, ka mahalo ʻole, ka nānā ʻole - nā hōʻailona ʻaʻole makemake ke kāne e ʻae.

He mea maʻamau kēia ʻano no nā kāne. ʻOiaʻiʻo, no ka hauʻoli o ka male, pono nā kānaka ʻelua e hana i ka pilina. Akā, hana ka hapa nui o nā wāhine. Hiki paha iā lākou ke huhū i kā lākou kāne a hōʻike ʻole i ka mahalo, akā ʻae lākou i kā lākou kāne e hoʻohuli i kā lākou mau hoʻoholo, e noʻonoʻo i ka manaʻo a me nā manaʻo o kā lākou kāne. Kakaikahi nae na kane e pane like. ʻO ka hopena, ʻo ka nui o ka hemo ʻana i nā kāne kahi i mākaukau ʻole ai ke kāne e kaʻana like i ka mana me kāna wahine e piʻi i 81%.

Nā ʻokoʻa mai ka wā kamaliʻi

Hoʻomaka nā mea a pau i ka wā kamaliʻi. Ke pāʻani nā keikikāne i waena o lākou iho, e noʻonoʻo lākou i ka lanakila, ʻaʻole lākou hopohopo i ka ʻike o nā mea pāʻani ʻē aʻe. Ina ha'i kekahi i kona kuli, aole malama ke koena. I kekahi hihia, hoʻomau ka pāʻani.

No nā kaikamahine, ʻo ka manaʻo ka mea nui. Inā ʻōlelo kekahi kaikamahine: "ʻAʻole wau he hoaaloha me ʻoe," oki ka pāʻani. Hoʻomaka hou nā kaikamāhine i ka pāʻani ma hope o kā lākou hana ʻana. Ua mākaukau maikaʻi nā pāʻani kaikamahine no ke ola ʻohana ma mua o nā pāʻani keikikāne.

ʻOiaʻiʻo, aia nā wahine i ʻike maikaʻi ʻole i nā nuances kaiapili, a me nā kāne i ʻike maʻalahi i nā ʻike o nā poʻe ʻē aʻe. Eia naʻe, ma ka awelika, ʻo 35% wale nō o nā kāne i hāʻawi ʻia me ka naʻauao hoʻomohala hoʻomohala.

Nā hopena no ka ʻohana

ʻO nā kāne nele i ka naʻau naʻau, hōʻole lākou e hāʻawi i kā lākou wahine. Makaʻu lākou i ka lilo ʻana o ka mana. ʻO ka hopena, hōʻole nā ​​wāhine e hālāwai me ia mau kāne.

Noʻonoʻo ke kāne me ka EI ulu i ka manaʻo o kāna wahine no ka mea mahalo a mahalo ʻo ia iā ia. Ke pono kāna wahine e kamaʻilio, hoʻopau ʻo ia i ka pôpeku a hoʻolohe iā ia. Ua koho ʻo ia iā "mākou" ma kahi o "ia iho". Aʻo ʻo ia e hoʻomaopopo i ka honua o loko o kāna wahine, mahalo iā ia a hōʻike i ka mahalo ma ka hele ʻana i mua. ʻOi aku ka kiʻekiʻe o kona hauʻoli mai ka wahine, ka pilina a me ke ola ma mua o ke kanaka haʻahaʻa haʻahaʻa.

E lilo ʻo ia i makua kāne maikaʻi loa, no ka mea, ʻaʻole ʻo ia e makaʻu i nā manaʻo, e aʻo ʻo ia i nā keiki e mahalo i ko lākou mau manaʻo a me nā manaʻo o nā poʻe ʻē aʻe. E pili loa ana ka wahine me ia kanaka. E huli ʻo ia iā ia i kona wā e huhū ai, hauʻoli nui, a i ʻole hoʻi i ka moekolohe.

Pehea e hoʻomohala ai i ka naʻauao o kāu kāne

ʻO Anastasia Menn, kālaiʻike

Inā he haʻahaʻa ka naʻau o ke kāne, ʻaʻole paha ʻo ia e ʻike i nā hopena pōʻino i ka pilina a ʻaʻole manaʻo ʻo ia he pilikia. Mai hoʻokaumaha iā ia. ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o ka hana ʻokoʻa. E kamaʻilio e pili ana i kou mau manaʻo: "Ua huhū au," "Ua hauʻoli nui wau," "hiki paha i kēia ke hōʻeha."

E nānā a hoʻomaopopo i kona mau manaʻo: "Ua huhū ʻoe", "Ua hauʻoli loa ʻoe i ka ...".

E noʻonoʻo i kāu kāne i nā manaʻo o nā poʻe mai kou kaiapuni: "Ua ʻike anei ʻoe i ka hauʻoli ʻana o Sonya i ka wā ...", "Ke kaumaha nui nei ʻo Vasily ...".

Mai makaʻu e hōʻike i nā manaʻo ʻoiaʻiʻo. E uē inā makemake ʻoe. ʻakaʻaka. Ma kēia ala e aʻo ai kāu kāne iā ʻoe. He ʻāpana koʻikoʻi nā manaʻo o ko mākou ola. ʻO ka mea pōʻino, ʻaʻole mākou e nānā pono iā lākou, akā aia i ko mākou mana e hoʻoponopono i kēia.